I remember sitting in Mrs. Valentines 5th/6th split class, zoning out due to A.D.D or boredom…or a combination thereof. I was thinking about my parents and worrying about them dying. I figured that, as long as I was able to double their ages, they’d be OK. Silly youthful notions. But the thought of my parents not being here was horrifying then and as an adult, it still is.
When I was 19 and my Mom was 46, when I still could realistically and comfortably almost double her age, she had a massive heart attack. I realized that, no matter how I hoped, prayed or crossed my fingers, my parents and grandparents were not going to live forever. Because we had crazy things to deal with like hearts and blood and attacks and genetics.
She was given a triple Bypass and told she had 5-7 years, give or take. It was a way too short an amount of time. But she pretty much shot the messenger and has beaten many odds thrown her way for the last 22 years. Heart attack, bypass surgery, cardiac arrest that almost killed her
Enter today.
I was at the cardiologist for a follow up appointment on my own silly little heart problem, which, I still don’t know what’s going on except I was put on a Beta Blocker.
Anyway…
My husband called me and left a frantic message on my cell. Something about my mom not being able to breathe and I need to take her to the hospital.
So I did. I took her.
Turned out, she couldn’t breathe because she was having a heart attack and was going into heart failure. Her already damaged heart, damaged. Our family, hearts broken.
My mom. One of the strongest women I have known. Is being kicked in the ass by the fact that, despite her diet and healthy lifestyle, her body decided to produce its own cholesterol and block her arteries. Stints that had been put in place within the last couple years…blocked. Bypass areas, blocked. Genetics suck. Big donkey balls.
A heart catheter procedure was done to try to find the cause of this particular heart attack and find the extent of the havoc that was wreaked.
I’m not ready to go there right now. I can’t.
Wrapped in my own sadness and worry, when I got home from the hospital, I had to explain to my children what was going on. My daughter, the only blood granddaughter and very close to her grandmother, sobbed the way that I wanted to be able to. Her whole soul in it. I’m too tired. Today was too long. So, I just held my daughter and repeated that everything is going to be alright.
Just like my mom told me before I left the hospital.
My mom who has tubes running into veins in both arms that feeds her medicine to keep her heart from dying and electronic equipment beeping those signs of life.
I stood there, looking at my mom whose age I can’t double anymore. Tears running down my cheeks. Feeling sorry for myself because I can’t stand the thought of being motherless. And my mom, the one who is so sick, is telling ME that everything is going to be OK.
Usually, my mom is always right. Just ask her.
So for now? We just hang tight. All of our broken hearts hoping beyond hope that the damage in my moms heart will be something she can, once again, overcome.
All I want to do is curl up on my mom’s lap and cry to her about the fact that I don’t want her to be so sick and I don’t think I can stand the thought of her not being here.
Please. Like I begged on Twitter. And this is coming from someone who has a hard time believing that there is a G-d. But please, keep my Mom in your thoughts and prayers. Because I think it worked earlier, when she was in the ER and I begged for prayers and she got through a heart cath that was supposed to be exceptionally dangerous due to her weakened state.
Now let’s pray for another 5-7 years where she can, once again, shoot the messenger like she did all those years ago.
I hope your prayers come true. Thinking of you , your mom and your family.
Oh Melissa.
I’m so sorry honey, so so sorry.
I’m sending my prayers and my love and my virtual wish that I were there to hug and hold and help.
xoxoxo
At the top of my prayer list tonight is you, and you’re incredible strength, and your wonderful mom and her unbelievable strength, courage and determination!
I am so sorry! I will keep your mom and your family in my prayers.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..All The Answers You’ll Ever Need =-.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. praying for you….xoxo
oh sweetie!!! my heart is breaking for you!!! Wish I lived closer to give you a big hug. I’ve been thinking about my parent’s age a lot lately and it nags at me. MY age nags at me even. Ugh. I just want it all better for you!!!
I’m so sorry. I will pray.
Keeping your mom, and your family in my prayers.
.-= Heather @ CSAHM´s last blog ..{QOTW} What is your favorite dessert? =-.
Hoping, praying for the best possible outcome for your mother.
.-= MomZombie´s last blog ..Presidents, Pitocin and pipe attacks =-.
I’m so, so sorry. Definitely in my thoughts.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..The Way to My Heart =-.
Still sending up prayers for your Mom to recover and get well.
Oh Melissa. My heart and soul pray for your mom and you and your family. I know how you feel. Please take care of yourself and know that your family is in our thoughts.
Thoughts and prayers are sent. Take care of yourself too!
She’ll be in my thoughts. Hope she sees a full recovery soon!
.-= Donna´s last blog ..Hottie Thursday #11: Anchorman Edition =-.
I was called home to my dad’s deathbed twice, twelve years apart. Both times the doctors were wrong. Praying for you and your family from just down 12 Mile.
We need our mothers. Sending positive thoughts.
.-= Juli Ryan´s last blog ..Looks matter. =-.
Not sure if my earlier post got in. But I am praying for your Mom, Melissa.xoxoxoxo
.-= Brenda´s last blog ..Sugar, Oh Honey Honey =-.
Huge (((HUGS))) praying that those 5-7 years happen for you and your family.
Praying. 🙁
And I know EXACTLY what you mean about doubling your age. I’ve thought about that too, in terms of me and my mom.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
.-= Melisa with one S (PH)´s last blog ..Tied Up In Knots =-.
I am praying hard for your dear mom Melissa!
As a daughter who lost her mom much too early I would urge you to do and say anything and everything you want right now to your mom.
If you want to curl up next to her and hold her in your arms….do it.
If you want to cry your eyes out and spend every waking moment with her…do it.
If you want to lavish her hospital room with flowers from far-away countries….do it.
If you want to give her a foot rub, brush her hair, and put makeup on her so she feels pretty…do it.
Trust me….all we are promised is this moment in time.
There are thousands of things I wish I had done and millions of things I wish I had said to my mom before I lost her.
Do it now. Do it always. I pray you can do it for another 30 years or more!
I’ll be praying for your Mom and your whole family.
Oh honey. prayers and hugs. This terrifies me so much. I’ve had the same thoughts as you many many times. Doesn’t matter how old you are, sometimes you just need your mommy.
.-= Molly´s last blog ..The R word. =-.
Holding you in all of my thoughts, my friend. Love to you and your momma. I’m so sorry.
If she’s anything like you, your mom is a strong woman…my thoughts and prayers go out to you, your mom and your entire family. xoxo
Many, many thoughts and prayers for your mom, your family and you.
.-= Gigi´s last blog ..I’ve achieved another award – and have forgotten again!!!! =-.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I hope she gets well soon.
.-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Who has the cutest new niece? I do =-.
I am only thinking hopeful thoughts about your mom and I am praying hard for her, you and all your family.
.-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..Valentine’s Day? =-.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts…I hope all is well soon. *hugs*
.-= lz´s last blog ..I’m ok with OK. =-.
many prayers coming your way!!
Prayers are coming your way and that of your mom…. I know everything will be fine… strength…
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Post It Note Tuesday~ 2/16 =-.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending all my positive vibes to you and your mom.
Got the tweet, you all are in our prayers for comfort, healing and peace. Whether or not you believe in Him, He is there in the midst of your pain. I know this from personal experience.
I will of course keep her in my prayers, Melissa… I’m so sorry that you are going through this, and I wish strength and courage… and hugs and prayers.
I remember worrying about my parents when I was a kid too. And they died within weeks of each other when I was only 30. I say “only 30” because it felt unnatural and unfair to lose my parents at that age, yet many lose them sooner. It doesn’t matter. No matter when it happens, no matter what your age, it’s an enormous, life-changing loss.
In my late 30s, I inexplicably developed a heart problem. My broken heart. Cardiologists couldn’t explain it but in so many ways I knew exactly why my heart was broken. (I’d lost my sister too, when I was 20). I’m having heart surgery this spring…
A long way of saying I relate to this post and this situation on so many levels. Will pray for your mom tonight.
Don’t worry. I believe enough for you! In my prayers.
.-= patois´s last blog ..Aye Eye I =-.
Oh Melissa! I’m crying with you. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 years ago and I remember the shock that made me unable to cry. I remember the fright at the prospect of losing my mom, knowing that my Dad was already gone (he died 17 years ago when I was in my early 20’s of an unexpected aneurysm) and I didn’t want to be an “orphan”. She kicked cancer’s ass.
I’m hoping and yes I’ll pray that your Mom kicks her heart problems ass AND shoots the messenger for another 5-7 years, or make that 10.
.-= Nancy´s last blog ..Days Gone By =-.
You can count on all of your blogger friends to do some heavy praying for her…she sounds like a strong sensible mom who knows how to fight this…have faith in her and in your love for her….
.-= The Retired One´s last blog ..More Weird News…(Otherwise titled: I’ll take a nose and a left ear please, no sauce!"): =-.
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts. hugs my dear.
oh I’m so sorry! I’m praying for your mom, and you and your family – that you will beat those odds for another 22 years
.-= kate´s last blog ..There Will Be Blood =-.
I’m so sorry, and my prayers are with her, you, and your family. xo
Melissa, I’m praying for your mom constantly. Tara Michener
YES!!!! You have my thoughts, prayers, positive energy, my chakra, my smoke screens….everything! I am sending it all your way and hoping your mom makes it through another near miss once again. Love and hugs to you, friend. XO
.-= Mommy X´s last blog ..When He’s Sick =-.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Your mom, you, and your family are in my prayers.
My father died when I was 3, so I have always had a very skewed reality of how long parents should live. My mom has had 2 bouts with breast cancer and beat both of them. I think attitude is a HUGE part of surviving something like that, and it sound like your Mom has it in spades – we will definitely keep all of you in our thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Perhaps I Quoted the Wrong Poet =-.
Refuah shleimah to your mother. Hope she finds a way to get another 20 years.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..The Ghosts of Our Past =-.
No matter how old we get, they are still and always our parents, and it hurts so much when they are sick.
We went through this with our dad, and although he was older, it was terrible. Worse than going through the cancer thing with our son, I’d have to say.
Big hugs to you.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..The List, Or How To Do Toronto Real Good With Lots And Lots Of Puke and Poop =-.
Cool! You got it! I will put her in my thoughts! 🙂
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Top 5 Posing and Directing Photography Tips =-.
I will do just that–keep her in my prayers. I lost my Mom 2 years ago. She was 90 and her heart just shut down in her sleep. I had watched my vibrant energetic Mom deteriorate to dementia. Now that she’s gone (I’m 60 and totally understand most people my age do not have a parent living) I wish when she was clear thinking I would have asked more questions (until she died she was the last living member of her generation of family members). Some people don’t understand when I label my self as an “Orphan” w/ no living parents but I feel as such. It’s so good that your Mom is geographically close and not clear across the country. Treasure these moments-for your Mom to last way beyond the doctors life expectancy tells me she is a real fighter. Hang in there.