Your stomach starts gurgling. Then it begins to lurch and churn. You look around the restaurant, fearful that the other patrons can hear the revolt beginning from within your colon. You kegel your sphincter, secretly allowing the foul air to escape and hoping that the clenching is the muffler needed. You pray that the tables that surround yours are filled with diners that have lost their sense of smell.
You have to poop. But you’re in a restaurant full of suits and dresses. The thought of making that particular walk of shame is, well, quite shameful.
Then, your husband announces those very words that you have been chanting in your mind.
“Honey, I’ve gotta take a shit. Got anything to read in that briefcase of a purse?”
With that, he pushes back his chair. He stands up. And he heads to the Gentleman’s lounge, where he disappears for a very, very obvious extended period of time.
When he returns, he is completely oblivious to the days, weeks and months that seem to have passed since he stood up and left the table to do his business. As is his lack of care that he is trailing residual bathroom odor back to your table.
By now, you’re stubbornly writhing in agony in your chair. Cursing the very day that you were born a woman. Wishing you had that type of confidence that your husband displayed. Jealous of the fact that he isn’t feeling like crap because it’s all deposited a public restroom, which you have a complete aversion to.
Why is it, you wonder, that you can spread your legs wide open and push out a baby in front of a live audience. Yet, the very thought of pooping in a public restroom, where people are constantly wandering in, causes every digestive organ in your body to withhold favors?
Your bills comes. You pay it. You run to your car and beg your husband to drive like the wind. You cross your legs and your fingers. You hope, as you open the window to bring in some fresh air, that you will be able to make it home without having a little escapee.
Or…is it just me?
Strangely enough, I can crap in public restrooms without issue, but I’m not a fan of pissing at the urinal flanked by other humans… sometimes stalled up by shy bladder syndrome, I’ll return to my seat uncomfortable as hell.
.-= Greg´s last blog ..Parental Leave Day 4 – Sleep (or milk?) Aggravation =-.
I have ZERO qualms about pooping in a public restroom. I honestly don’t care if a complete stranger hears or smells me taking a shit.
OK… I totally get what you are saying.. though I have grown up having IBS and lactose sensitivity SO… that said, I have learned that when I have to go… I have to go. I still get nervous and sweaty but once I have to go… I just go. Otherwise I am in serious pain all the way home. Ugh… I have even learned to have a spare roll of TP in my truck for those travel emergencies… the woods sometimes have to be it….
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..A tribute to a fighter. =-.
I get you. I can’t do it either. When I was pregnant and off my normal pooping schedule, I found a women’s bathroom in an almost solely male part of my office building, so I’d walk all the way down there to do my business. It felt a bit like George Kostanza from Seinfeld but it worked for me.
.-= Donna´s last blog ..UGH =-.
I understand. In my college dorm (damn public bathroom), I would go to a different floor to use the restroom, every darn time. Even in “emergencies”. I even have issues when we travel to people’s houses though. I have issues, I guess- deep seeded intestinal issues. =)
The worst, is the colon KNOWS when it is close to the home base toilet. Cuz you are practically shitting your pants as your key hits the door.
.-= LizzB (@hereslizz)´s last blog ..Happiness is a warm…. =-.
I have to say that I don’t enjoy crapping in public restrooms…but when I have to go, I have to go. I often wonder why humans are so bothered about normal bodily functions? We all crap, so what’s the big deal? Every other species on this planet has no problems with gas or peeing & pooing wherever they are. How liberating that would be…and messy!
Not just you. NOT JUST YOU. It’s beyond me how casual they can be about it all.
.-= TeacherMommy´s last blog ..Sometimes It’s All About Being One More, and Sometimes It’s About Being One Less =-.
Men would crap in the street if they had to. I’m like you – I try to avoid the public washroom at all times. Obviously there are times, where it is IMPOSSIBLE not to use one, but dudes are all about spending as much time on the toilet as possible. Its weird.
.-= Maria @BOREDmommy´s last blog ..YUMMY MUMMY CLUB – PHAT MUMMY =-.
I can’t even go at my mom’s house anymore. But I have no problem dropping a load at my Mother in laws 🙂 Yes, that’s the only time I’m shameless and it feels good to leave my crap in her septic tank 🙂
You are not alone. I have a hard time doing it too. But will if the alternative is crapping in my pants. Personally I hate eating out. I suffer from serious cases of IBS so it doesn’t take much for me to have to go and usually VERY soon after eating. There is a ritual though…upon entering the bathroom I am hoping and praying no one else is there. I carefully check each stall to ensure I am alone. Then I do it as FAST as I possibly can (which if you suffer from IBS know is not a problem.) If someone does happen to be in the bathroom I will hold it, or try and be as quiet as possible, but of course all that happens is the emission of small little gas bubbles, adding to the distress already. I will wait for someone to flush another toilet and then go as fast as possible to get it out before the flushing subsides. I have always thought this was pathetic but I can’t stop. No matter how irrational it seems.
(Wow, never thought I would be commenting on my bodily functions first thing in the morning.)
.-= Robin´s last blog ..What Gives You The Right? =-.
I hate public restrooms – they’re never clean, they never have either TP or paper towels. However, since potty-training 2 kids, I have become intimately acquainted with every restroom in this town. And we have absolutely no privacy in our house, so going in a public restroom is actually more private than at home.
.-= Janet´s last blog ..The First Post of the New Year (or) I’ve Been Snowed In For A Week – Send Fudge =-.
When I was a very you lad, I had an aversion to the NOISE one makes – especially urinating. I was always afraid they could hear me through the door. Marine Corp Boot Camp cured me of that. No – it isn’t just you – but apparently you’ve never been in the Marines.
.-= lceel´s last blog ..Tuesday Tale – Ella and Syd =-.
I always wondered why public restrooms weren’t soundproofed for this very reason. There may be walls between stalls, but there’s a lot of sounds between rounds! Few things that I have learned over the years while raising kids:
Never leave the house until you’ve pooped – period!
Never go out without some sort of disinfectant wipe in tow.
Never, ever, flush a public toilet with your hand – this is what your foot was made for.
And never, never, never trust a fart after 40 (really, I mean really, trust me on this one)!
Next time, tell the hubs to wait in line.
.-= Carolyn´s last blog ..Cleaning Up From the Holidays – One Broken Ornament at a Time =-.
Oh, I’m SO over it. Shit is toxic. Just get it over with. Everybody Poops! (at least that’s what is says in my kid’s book…)
.-= Kami Lewis Levin´s last blog ..(Birthday) Party Politics =-.
It’s some sort of subliminal fixation I have, but whenever I enter a bookstore, I have to also find the ladies’ room. I think hubs planted a hypnotic suggestion to keep me from buying more books.
With me and mine, it’s the opposite. He can’t stand using public facilities.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Needing some political schooling =-.
I’m with you – it’s just not possible for me.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..keeper of the calendars =-.
I have no problems dumping in public, and it’s my husband that cured me. He suffers from Crohns Disease, has since he was 18yrs old. When he has to go, he HAS to go. When I asked him how he let go of the fear of going in public, he said he just put himself in the other persons shoes (the listener). So now for me, I just imagine what I would think if I heard someone else going “no. 2” in the stall next to me, and I came to the conclusion that I’d think nothing of it. I do that now for any potential embarrassing situation, I put myself in the shoes of the bystander, and instantly, the embarrassment goes away.
Melissa.. I am crying over here.. I wanted to curl up with my reader today and catch up with blog land.. And I saw I missed 21 posts with you!! (gasp) I clicked this one and literally fell to the floor laughing.. I have no issues with it.. but I used to.. but then I realized that I get more privacy in the public bathroom .. LOL
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Winter Photo Session – Long Island Family Photographer =-.