I’ve been feeling fatter than usual lately. And despite what the professionals say, I’ve been sharing my angst with my whole family, including my daughters. It’s a big no-no, I completely am aware of that. But yet, I do it anyway. Hey, I’m not in the least bit perfect and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m fat and I’m a bad mom. We’ve all got our crosses to bare.
OK. So yesterday, my daughter was listening to me whine about how I really need to buckle down and cut the calories. She was nodding her head like she was paying attention. But really? I’m sure she had the whole fantasy playing out in her head that Edward came to rescued her from this entire situation.
Suddenly, she put her fantasy on pause, looks at me and says “Melissa. You really don’t look fat. You carry your weight really well.” And with that, she went back to her fantasy of shimmering vampires.
And then today?
I’m wearing yoga pants that were too tight and causing camel toes. I was shaking and jiggling to my new obsession, Wii Just Dance. And for the record, go buy it. It’s so much fun and you sweat your cellulite off…assuming you have cellulite. But remember, I’m not perfect so you can add that cottage cheese shit to my list.
My daughter is watching my body shimmy and wiggle. She announces that, even in my too-tight yoga pants, I don’t look fat. And she even added a “seriously” to that.
I would have kissed her except I was busy busting a move.
I was on song 8 in my 10 song competition. I was beating my husband by a hair. OK, fine. He was beating me but I’m sure it’s because my Wii controller was faulty. My daughter announces that she is going to the mall with a friend and her dad and they were picking her up in less than an hour.
We asked her if she had any cash. She responded that she didn’t. I only had a $5 bill and the thought of sending her to the mall with not much money was horrifying. God forbid the kid shouldn’t be able to buy something.
So I did what my parents never did for me.
I gave her my credit card. With a small limit and the knowledge that she would spontaneously explode if she went over it.
I finished my dance competition, confident that I got rid of one piece of cellulite and I went to take a shower to get ready to go out.
And I had this epiphany…
The chick buttered my fat roll.
Smart thinker, that one.
I wish I thought of stuff like that when I was younger.