I’ve been feeling fatter than usual lately. And despite what the professionals say, I’ve been sharing my angst with my whole family, including my daughters. It’s a big no-no, I completely am aware of that. But yet, I do it anyway. Hey, I’m not in the least bit perfect and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m fat and I’m a bad mom. We’ve all got our crosses to bare.
OK. So yesterday, my daughter was listening to me whine about how I really need to buckle down and cut the calories. She was nodding her head like she was paying attention. But really? I’m sure she had the whole fantasy playing out in her head that Edward came to rescued her from this entire situation.
Suddenly, she put her fantasy on pause, looks at me and says “Melissa. You really don’t look fat. You carry your weight really well.” And with that, she went back to her fantasy of shimmering vampires.
And then today?
I’m wearing yoga pants that were too tight and causing camel toes. I was shaking and jiggling to my new obsession, Wii Just Dance. And for the record, go buy it. It’s so much fun and you sweat your cellulite off…assuming you have cellulite. But remember, I’m not perfect so you can add that cottage cheese shit to my list.
My daughter is watching my body shimmy and wiggle. She announces that, even in my too-tight yoga pants, I don’t look fat. And she even added a “seriously” to that.
I would have kissed her except I was busy busting a move.
I was on song 8 in my 10 song competition. I was beating my husband by a hair. OK, fine. He was beating me but I’m sure it’s because my Wii controller was faulty. My daughter announces that she is going to the mall with a friend and her dad and they were picking her up in less than an hour.
We asked her if she had any cash. She responded that she didn’t. I only had a $5 bill and the thought of sending her to the mall with not much money was horrifying. God forbid the kid shouldn’t be able to buy something.
So I did what my parents never did for me.
I gave her my credit card. With a small limit and the knowledge that she would spontaneously explode if she went over it.
I finished my dance competition, confident that I got rid of one piece of cellulite and I went to take a shower to get ready to go out.
And I had this epiphany…
The chick buttered my fat roll.
Smart thinker, that one.
I wish I thought of stuff like that when I was younger.
Tara R. says
‘buttered my fat roll” – I think I snorted when I read that one! Now I have to be more cynical when my kiddos say things like that, and be more aware of their timing.
Seriously though… you’re not fat.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..Patina =-.
Mommy X says
You know what, I love you. That was so goddamn funny. I love how you talk about her fantacizing about vampires between compliments. That is brilliant. I hope you win that goofy award because you deserve it, my friend!
Absolutely brilliant! “The chick buttered my fat roll.” Okay, I’m dying from laughing over here.
(I’ve got those yoga pants, too. They looked great when I bought them, fifteen pounds lighter. I don’t have a Wii; instead I have to wear them when I go to physical therapy. Having to wear those things in public alone is motivating me to avoid cheseecake.)
.-= Michele´s last blog ..GIVEAWAY: 250 Business Cards from UPrinting =-.
Kami Lewis Levin says
Sounds like the kid’s got your number. Is this the 14 year old? Just curious…But, umm, Melissa, Honey, invest $9.99 in new yoga/sweat pants at Old Navy (they’re on sale right now!) and rid yourself of the unsightly (and uncomfortable) camel toe. Blech.
.-= Kami Lewis Levin´s last blog ..Girl Talk Thursday: No Woody Here (heh, heh) =-.
i think the first comment was genuine and , after seeing how glowy the first comment made you, the second was all fat tasty butter
damn smart kid
.-= fidget´s last blog ..Coping (or not) =-.
She sure did!
Thanks for the laugh. 😀
HA! That was funny. Better be careful with that kid, she is SMART! 😉
.-= Hockeymandad(Patrick)´s last blog ..Yoda was a Genius =-.
LOVE it…Jewish reversed psychology. I am sure my daughter will do it to me when she is old enough!
.-= Alyssa´s last blog ..I Beg You To Ask The Maven PLEASE…Did I Say Beg? =-.
I snarfed on my coffee…you are too much. She is right you are beautiful…and seriously not as “fat” as you think you are.
Another Suburban Mom says
That was very funny. Now I have to look up that game!
.-= Another Suburban Mom´s last blog ..Perricone Cold Plasma Giveaway! =-.
oooh she is crafty! i had a friend in college who, when in high school, would intentionally lie badly to her parents in order to get caught and lead them to believe she was incapable of lying to them. Then, when she really needed to get away with something she could lie as smooth as butter and they would fall for it hook line and sinker. That is crazy brilliant and I was always jealous I never thought of it.
I hope your daughter doesn’t read these comments and learn this tip. Sorry
.-= kate´s last blog ..1-9-10 =-.
Lauren @ MOMMY IS ROCK N ROLL says
Wow. You gave her your credit card. Nice mom! That game sounds fun. I’d really like to get a Wii.
.-= Marilyn´s last blog ..Passages =-.
Oh LOL that’s one clever daughter you have there!
The Royal Barrister says
(1) You aren’t fat, you’re a Botticelli-esque beauty who needs to work out for stress release and optimum health, (2) You were so suckered by your clever daughter and (3) Sucking up to Mom wouldn’t have gotten you squat (she’s much too saavy to trust that you’d stay within a limit and pay her back!) But, she was always happy to give a blank check…made out to “Kroger” if you wanted to do her marketing. 😉
Best of luck on all counts, Sister!! Xo
You coulnd’t have gained that much weight since August!! And you looked stunning then. I’m sure your daughter was just being honest. The credit card was just a bonus, good karma as reward for making her mom feel better 😉
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..My favorite shots of 2009 =-.
Melissa, you r too damn funny!!!! seriously, where do you come up with this stuff, this is why I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I will be laughing for days! xoxo me
You gotta love when you don’t know that your foots in bear trap until after the fact. Smart kid.
.-= WeaselMomma´s last blog ..Sunday Mish-Mash =-.
K. @ Mind the Gap says
You still completely and totally crack me up. Not only because you are brave enough to talk about camel toes on your blog, but because you just said: “the chick buttered my fat roll.” lol xoxo
.-= K. @ Mind the Gap´s last blog ..Hibernating =-.
The Retired One says
Oh Gosh, that was funny…..”buttered my fat roll”….hahahaaaa bwaaahaaaaa……..
.-= The Retired One´s last blog ..Florida Vacation Pictures: Part Nine =-.
Ha ha ha I actually laughed out loud!
Found you bthrough fivefish…thanks for the giggle!
She’s good. She’s REALLY good. lol
*giggle* Oh my. ;p
.-= Al_Pal´s last blog ..My new creative outlet: Bread Puddings! =-.
The chick buttered my fat roll.. OMG… peeing now..
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Winter Photo Session – Long Island Family Photographer =-.