Velveteen Mind suggested that I take a looksee at the carnival going on over at Blog Nosh. Perhaps I would find inspiration in the Tides Load Of Hope event that they have going on. Oh yeah, did I mention that I’m still kind of lacking in writing inspiration? Once again I tweeted looking for help. And the lovely Velveteen Mind kind of nudged me over in this direction. And wow. What a beautiful reason to blog. For HOPE. Especially when, during these trying times, there are so many who feel as if there is none. But there is! There always is!!
It was August 1999. I was a 30 year old mommy of two small children. I was the wife of one really screwed up little boy stuck in the body of a 33 year old man. Yet, I was no one. Just an empty shell.
Things looked pretty from the outside. Pretty house. Pretty cars. Pretty kids.
On the inside. It was ugly. I was dead and rotting. I felt lifeless and completely without any hope.
I was teetering on reaching maximum density. I was also precariously balancing my sanity. I was beyond misery and I didn’t want company. I wanted to stab my husband in his sleep. We couldn’t have that though. Because who would raise the kids if the dad was dead and the mom was in jail? The system? Hell to the no. I hated him though. With every fiber of my being.
It was bad. Not in a violent sense. There was just nothing worth saving there. But I wasn’t ready to jump off that high dive.
Until, one afternoon in early August. I snapped awake from a short nap. He was the first thing I saw. I looked at him, sweating on the exercise bike that was in our huge bedroom. And I knew it was finally over. Whatever guilt that had been holding me captive in that house, it had lifted. My fears and my conscience screamed that I was free to go.
And I did.
I grabbed clothes and toys. Enough to keep my 1 1/2 year old and 3 1/2 year old dressed and busy for the next couple of days until I could come back to the house when he wasn’t there. I grabbed some essentials for myself. Loaded the stuff into laundry baskets and placed them in the trunk of my car.
As I was strapping the kids into their car-seats, I explained to them that we were about to go on an adventure. Then I turned to my husband and told him that I was leaving. He stood there. Clueless. Not sure in what context I was using the word “leaving” in.
I climbed into my car and I backed out of that driveway.
I swallowed down my anxiety and directed my focus ahead.
I put my car into drive and moved forward. Taking with me, not only my children and my stuff. But a sense of hope. Something that I hadn’t felt in a long time but was so relieved to know it was still there.
With a head full of anticipation and a heart FULL of hope, I popped in a CD and played my favorite song of the moment, Beautiful by TLC, I told my babies that everything was going to be just fine. I knew it would be. I finally felt it from deep within me. It had been there. Waiting. All along.
And we drove off towards it.
I cannot imagine how afraid you must have felt, and at the same time excited.
.-= Tara R.´s last blog ..SkyWatch ~ season 4, edition 22 =-.
Beautiful, my friend…just beautiful!
Those life-changing moments…that time when all of a sudden, it all seems clear what to do. You wonder why you didn’t see it before. Some people say that people stay in the same situation because they are afraid to change. Well, sure, sometimes. Personally, I think that sometimes we are stuck because we don’t have our inspiration yet. To evoke change, you have to change to/towards something; if you don’t know what that is, well, what else are you going to do in the meantime?
I’ve been suffering from writer’s block, too. I seem to go in spurts…I have ideas, then…splat. I am currently in “splat” position, plus a lack of time.
.-= Michele´s last blog ..HOUSEHOLD AND FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT: Quick Templates to Manage Your Life =-.
your strength amazes me.
.-= staciesmadness´s last blog ..Happy Holidays…aka busy time. =-.
I’ve been there too. I’m so proud to know you.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Because The Real Reason I Had Kids Was To Buy All The Stuff My Parents Wouldn’t Buy Me =-.
WOW. I appreciate your sharing your story, but also? This is one of your most well-written posts, ever. EVER.
Love you PH!
Love the last line. And I love all the different outfits hope wears; this one smart and sassy and…well, hopeful.
Nice work, you.
xo
Do you know how many times I wished I had the strength and courage to do what you just described? So very many times in all those years. Our marriage lasted waaay longer than it shouldve because I was not as brave as you!
You and this, lovely and strong. Proud to call you friend.
Wow. Goosebumps. What a story. What a new beginning. What a courageous woman.
.-= Kami Lewis Levin´s last blog ..The Folly-Days =-.
Strength and Courage kept alive by hope – simply amazing: you and the writing. Well done.
.-= ExtraordinaryMommy´s last blog ..Long Lost friend on FB =-.
Very powerful! That had to have taken a ton of courage, glad it ended with such hope.
I think more people should take that step. This “staying together for the children” business is ridiculous. If Mama’s not happy, neither are the kids.
.-= Janet´s last blog ..Of Pups, Spaceships, a Pumpkin Patch and Marriages and Things =-.
Very inspirational.
Oh, Girl, I’ve been there too. I’ve felt that same empty, rotting, devoid feeling. Everything pretty on the outside because I ignored the stench of my married life but wished a semi would just cross that center line and crush me…anything to get away from the life/lie I was stuck in. I drew a line in the sand, “talked” it over with God and waited for the moment I knew would be the moment…no turning back. Praise God, I “woke” up from a “nap” one day too…and saw the path clearly and took that simple step off the precipice I’d been teetering on for so long. There have been plenty of trials and tribulations since…but everyday I rejoice because I’m alive…soooo good to feel again and soooo good to read of other’s experiences. Thank you for sharing and thank you to Blog Nosh for pointing me in your direction.
It took such courage. I am amazed you were able to do this and so happy you did.
Because I can hear the joy and gratitude in your heart with every blogpost you post….I know you are happy now and living the life you were meant to. Good for you!!! Soooo happy you made that difficult decision. Just think of the many, many women who are staying in an impossible situation for the remainder of their lives and live a miserable life.
.-= The Retired One´s last blog ..Travel Observations =-.