Yes, I have no children and am a stepmom.
First, let me start by saying that I’m honored to be asked to guest blog. I’ve enjoyed Melissa’s posts from a somewhat different perspective for awhile now. I am a 40yo who made the decision to not have children about 10 years ago and have been at peace with that.
But I fell in love with a man with 3 children.
Someone should have sat me down, looked me in the eye and told me to think very, very carefully about getting involved with someone with children. Because it’s hard. Damn hard.
It’s hard going from literally only ever taking care of yourself to 3 children who all have their own wants and needs.
It’s hard financially when you pay for the majority of the groceries, presents, activities because your partner is barely squeaking by after child support. You remember the extra cash- the facials, shoes, fancy dinners, Starbucks runs. I never used to shop at Walmart. In fact, if there was a Target 10mi further away, that’s where I’d go. But Walmart is cheaper and money doesn’t go as far as it used to.
And when did kids eat so much? And all the time? There have been many times where if I hear “I’m hungry” one more time; I’m going to run screaming from the house.
It’s hard not to voice an opinion about a behavior, attitude or decision that’s being made by the actual parents. I always remind myself that I have no say. That’s hard when you truly care about the welfare of said child.
It’s also hard to deal with how mommy is smarter, runs faster, is just BETTER than you. A lot. But I get that. And I never have, nor never will utter anything to the contrary. Because it is common decency.
But something happened during year 2. I started getting into the swing of things. The baseball games, soccer games, football- having 3 kids participating in every sport known to man. I could keep a schedule like Dad never could- or will.
Something I never knew I had – maternal instinct- surprised me in new and various ways. I could look at a kid and know whether he was sick. I knew that 8yo children should NOT have a Facebook page. I also knew that Skittles isn’t, nor ever will be, an appropriate snack.
And I bonded with them. Yes, I’ll be honest it took some time. A whole lot of time. But sometimes when I think about leaving, I think what it would be like to not see them again. I couldn’t stand not knowing.
But no, I still don’t want children. I like the ones I have. All potty-trained, know how to dress themselves, go to school, pretty functional. Someday, I hope to hear the words “I love you”. That I still strive for. Maybe someday.
Oh, and moms? We don’t want to take your place. Really.
Beautiful post. I too was a step mom before I birthed children. I lived through what you describe. And like you, I never wanted to take the place of bio-mom. I have treated all three the same and finally, after 13 years, I got the I love you that came with sentiment and meaning. It was not forced or requested. It was real and came from the heart and I cherish it as much as when my birth children tell me. Maybe even more, because I worked for it.
Someone should’ve told you to run like hell, if you ask me! LOL
I think it’s hard weather or not you have kids of your own, the challenges are just different. But definitely one of the times I got the MOST angry at my stepson is when he hurt my baby. It’s just a different dynamic.
That’s the thing about kids – they do get under your skin – in good AND bad ways. And they stay there.
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Awesom! Just awesome
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I always wanted kids but never did. I met and fell in love with a man with a 15 year old daughter. When she was 16 and we were married for 6 months she came to live with us. Big mistake but I think it had to do with the timing. Since his ex took his daughter out of state when she was 5 he only saw her for a couple of months over the summer and once in a while over Christmas so in addition to us getting use to each other we both had to get use to his daughter. She was the most spoiled, self centered person I’ve ever met. Her mom didn’t raise her, she raised herself and a child cannot raise a child.
After 6 months and many arguments she went back to her mom and when she was 17 she was pregnant. We’ve only seen our (yes our) granddaughter twice. The first time she was 20 months old and was the most adorable thing. The stepdaughter wasn’t as self centered as she was 2 years earlier. When the granddaughter was 2 they moved to Sweden to be with mom’s boyfriend. They just came for a 3 week visit and granddaughter is now 4. Stepdaughter is back to being self centered, selfish and spoiled. She expects everyone to care for her child but herself.
I haven’t gotten the “I Love You” from the stepdaughter but for 3 weeks I hear it several times a day from MY GRANDDAUGHTER and it’s the best sound in the world.
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I’ve found my way here via – well, truthfully I don’t remember how I found my way here….
BUT AWESOME post! I’m a stepmom – and let me tell you – if I could do over, I’d re-think. Of course, I was very young and what the hell did I know about kids?!
But now, that she’s grown up (as have I) we get along very well – and I get the I love you’s and give them as well.
But…..for a while there……it was bad.
Sounds like you are a fabulous step-mom!!
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I too am a stepmother. And it is hard. Damn hard as you said. Thank you for the post, it was wonderful
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