I am a mommy.
I am a step-mommy.
For both those positions, I am employed full time with major overtime. Overworked. Underpaid. And going gray.
I take my work VERY seriously.
I think I’m doing a pretty darn good job on both accounts. It’s not so easy though. Either one of those positions I’ve filled.
I try. SO HARD. To remain fair and impartial.
I try. EVEN HARDER. To show as equal amount of heartfelt love and emotion as I am capable of. I think on the most part, particularly with my step daughter, that the love is almost as strong as if she were from my own womb.
“Almost” is the operative and key word.
There are times when my mommy bear instinct to protect my cubs is so strong.
When, it doesn’t matter who started it or whose fault the fist fight is or who started the verbal onslaught. I have to use every ounce of self control to keep it neutral. When every inch of my being is screaming to smack down the kid who isn’t blood related. Because really? I don’t care who started it. I just want to make sure my child isn’t hurt or going to get hurt. I have to scream at myself to keep it fair. Because when Momma bear mode kicks in, fair isn’t part of the instinct.
There are times when my subconscious has to be guided and redirected. When I have to remind myself to serve the first dinner plate to a different kid. Or I have to give the end piece of cake, which I know is my son’s favorite, to one of my step kids. Because they love it too and, quite honestly, deserve it just as much as my kids.
Everyday sibling-step sibling dynamics is a constant test drive in the mommy almostobile.
And don’t EVEN get me started about when my husband tries to discipline MY kids. The hairs on the nape of my neck raise, my fangs bare and I start growling and foaming.
But. Alas. Co-parenting is about letting another bear step in and take over where the Momma bear is not making an impact. I guess.
And when things are being done in, what the Momma bear considers to be, an unfair way towards her cubs…forget about it. Hell hath no fury like a mommy protecting her young. No matter how passive-aggressive that hell hath.
Really though? No matter what. I think it’s absolutely impossible to be 100% fair and impartial to children other than your own. No matter how much you love the children of your spouse. And trust me, I love the children that came along with my spouse.
However…
It’s the nature of the beast called Mommy.
Hear me roar.
P.S. I don’t care what my husband says, he is the same way when it comes to protecting his young from another mother.
I LOVE this post! Actually, love all your posts, even though I haven’t commented before. I am not a step-mother, but I do have one. Your honesty and strength is inspiring. If all step-mommies were like you, the “wicked” stepmother stereotype never would have come into play.
Good luck on being a Mommy Bear vs Step-Mommy Bear. It has to be a delicate dance. I’m not a step-mom, so I can sympathize but not empathize. My dad has a second wife, but she never mothered me and I never lived with her, so she was never my step-mother. So I don’t even know what it’s like to live with a step-parent. It sounds complicated, but oh so wonderful when it works.
.-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..I’m so EXCITED: Happy Thanksgiving again =-.
I’ve just recently been thinking a lot about this. The man I’m seeing and hope to marry some day has a six-year-old daughter. I’m completely fine with that, and I love her. She is so sweet and so cute. But I’m not sure how I feel about being a step mom, when I’m not even a mom yet. I worry about my commitment and my connection to a step child as opposed to my own child some day.
.-= Raychel Celeste´s last blog ..Meme-ness =-.
it’s hard not to be biased with your own kids. i totally understand that. my hubs and i pretty much discipline our own kids, because even though we compromise on a lot of things when it comes to the kids, we have very different thoughts on how to raise kids in general. it also doesn’t help when my stepson was raised getting everything he wants or does whatever he wants basically because of his real mom. she’s in and out of his life.
.-= ciara´s last blog ..Fatherhood Friday on Saturday =-.
This is a great post. I am sure that you work very hard to be fair and equal to the kids and they will appreciate it one day….
I love the honesty of your post. You’re stepkids are lucky to have a StepMom that cares enough to try to be fair to all of the children. Kudos to you !
I was in a position before I was married in which I was a somewhat stepmom(engaged to a guy with a daughter) and I didnt have my own kiddo. It was hard in general because you see things that the parent doesn’t want to see. Now having a little beast I know I would be extremely protective of my “little cub” for sure!
Great post. It has to be a hard ship to steer sometimes.
.-= Susan´s last blog ..The Asshole =-.
I agree that no what there will always (naturally) be a difference in a parent vs step parent role.
I was raised by my mother and stepfather– and my mother gets so mad when my stepfather tries to discipline my teenage siblings.
Im sure you’re the coolest stepmom ever though 🙂
.-= complicated mama´s last blog ..Everything is cuter mini =-.
sing it, sister. i walk this line every day of my life.
you/me=soul sisters.
.-= the planet of janet´s last blog ..Giving thanks for the gift that keeps on giving =-.
You know, I live this too……except instead of Mommy Bear vs. Step Mommy Bear it is Typical Kid Mommy vs. Special Needs Kid Mommy. I have to be really careful. Let’s face it, it isn’t my other 5 kids fault that they were born typical iykwim.
I appreciate your candor on this subject.
I’m not a step-mom yet. I am the mommy to three kids — my two children from a past relationship (ages 16 & 12) and my 2 yr old from my marriage (which is no defunct and soon to be terminated). I have had a major struggle in dealing with my husband’s treatment of *my* kids versus his treatment of our daughter. It has been a major challenge for me — and likely one of the insurmountable issues we’ve faced that has contributed to the dissolution of our marriage.
My current partner (and one true love) has two boys from a previous marriage, but his kids are 12 and 15…we’re coming up here on the tail end of parenting, and Greg and I are SO on the same parenting page that I really don’t think we’ll have the same problems as the usual blended family does.
I struggle with this too. And the thing is, I think most likely every blended family does, they just don’t want to talk about it because the Brady Bunch taught us that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be one big happy family who all loved each other the same. But I’m quick to tell people, this ain’t no freaking Brady Bunch.
And another thing – those Brady’s didn’t have exes!!