Once upon a time in the kingdom, the Reigning Queen Supreme and her husband, the wanna-be Ruler, the King. They bought a castle. This castle wiped out their finances so they didn’t have extra money to buy things like refrigerators, washers, dryers. So, they were lucky that their new-to-them castle came with all the amenities. Although slightly old and used, they were part of the package deal and the royal couple couldn’t have be any happier than if they bought brand new ones. OK, that’s a slight exaggeration but, they were perfectly fine with the ancient washer and dryer as well as the other appliances throughout the castle. Because they were new to them. (Another slight exaggeration because, let’s face it, old is old but the Queen doesn’t want to sound ungrateful for what she has/had).

A couple of years of heavy duty washing and drying laundry pass. After all, there are 7 royals in the family. The dryer gave out first, with a sputter and a cough. Really? It was too old to even sputter and cough. It just flat out died.

The King went to the local Ye Olde Castle Depot and came home with a perfectly perfect dryer. It didn’t have too many bells. It had the perfect amount of whistles. And it worked perfectly. Plus, it was a floor model and it was dirt cheap, the way the King likes things. Except for the Queen. She isn’t cheap.

The Queen was happy.

Then, shortly after. The washing machine, missing it’s lifelong partner. Filled up with water during the fill cycle. And died. A tub FULL of water and laundry detergent, stuck in it’s lifeless bowels.

The Queen panicked. Because the longer she goes without a washing machine, the taller the laundry mountain becomes. The Queen HATES laundry. Especially when the pile becomes taller than she is.

The problem was, the income of the castle didn’t allow the royal couple to go out and purchase a new washer. The disposable income is limited. VERY, VERY limited.

So. The Queens good friend who lives in a neighboring kingdom, she gave the royals her old washing machine because she was getting a brand new one delivered. That kingdom has a greater allowance for disposable income.

The reigning Queen graciously accepted a yellow Kenmore washing machine that was approximately 15 years old. But. It worked perfect. Which was more than she could say for the old, dead washing machine that was still sitting with water that was beginning to get thick and smell.

The King did the washer exchange. And the Queen tackled her mountains of laundry in her brand new, 15 year old, yellow washing machine, quite contentedly for the next couple of years.

Until.

That canary yellow Kenmore couldn’t fight it any longer. And it joined the Queens other dead washing machine in some appliance graveyard somewhere in another part of another kingdom.

The Queen. Was finally getting a brand new washing machine.

She and the King went and picked out a Maytag BRAVOS quiet series 300. It had some fancy bells. And some classy looking whistles.

The Queen. Was thrilled.

The first month, laundry was coming out spiffy. Whites were white. Colors were staying bright. Or dull. Actually, whatever color the garment was when tossed in, was the color it was when it came out. Perfection.

Until. Wait? What’s that stench?

The clothes. They started smelling funny. And the washing machine. It smelled AWFUL.

So the Queen. She had to put in a tablet to destink her washing machine stench. Every. SINGLE. MONTH. Like a fucking period.

Why? She wondered. Does her washing machine smell like, well, DEATH? And so her clothes smell like…well…death. Which means her royal children are going to school smelling. And their clothes smell too.

This never happened with the old washing machines. Clothes went IN smelling not so fresh. But, unless the Queen forgot to switch loads for say…a few days, which could happen. The clothes would come OUT smelling…FRESH.

The Queen. Who isn’t Dooce and doesn’t elicit the same reaction when she complains about her Maytag washing machine and it’s GOD AWFUL stench. Is pissed. As. Heck.

The Queen. She wishes that she had her old washing machines back. She wishes her old washing machine didn’t die on her. Because these newfangled ones…

Well. They just don’t make them like they used to.

And the Queen. She plugs her nose to take the laundry out of the washing machine. She throws a TON of dryer sheets into the dryer, along with her stinky clean laundry in hopes that it masks the smell of death.

And she sighs.