In And Out: The Ever Shrinking And Expanding Sex Life Of A Married Couple

· by: melissa

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Ah sex. One of the only real and true perks of marriage. Why do I say it like that? Well, because it’s fun, entertaining, free and it feels good. Everything else in a marriage…well, not always so fun, sometimes entertaining, maybe cheap but not always free and sometimes, I would rather stick my face through plate glass. Or is that just me?

When you first start seeing each other. Say, after the 3rd date or so, you start a new phase of this budding relationship. Screwing. Yeah, you know you didn’t wait that long either! Anywhere and everywhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s high noon on a Saturday, the shades are up and the neighbor that lives a split hair away is out watering his garden. Yet, he isn’t paying attention to his impatiens and weeping cherries! No, he’s watching your naked body move up and down in the window. But you don’t care. Because tomorrow, same time, same place, with your new lovers butt as the window display.

Then. A couple of weeks later. You decide you’re in love. You can’t live without each other. You’re having the best sex of your adult life. And you…even swallow.

You. Get married. Ironically, you wear a white gown. Even though you haven’t been a virgin since 2 weeks after your 16th birthday. Listen lady, just because you didn’t have sex the night before your wedding, it hardly means you’ve revirginized.

Sex. It’s still good. Actually, it’s even better. There is a certain comfort level knowing you’re screwing the shit out of your spouse. It’s still happening all the time. Every day. And condoms? The sponge? The rhythm method? Pull out? It doesn’t matter. It’s all good. EXCEPT the sponge. Those things sucked.

Oops. You get knocked up. Turns out, of all crazy things, on the honeymoon.

Pregnant sex. Intense orgasms. But it gets a little strange as you get rounder. Also, when the baby is practically hanging out of your vagina and your husband can actually feel the baby’s head with the tip of his penis.

Things start to change. The frequency. The intensity.

You were used to pouncing on each other on top of the take out Chinese food on the dining room table. Any time, any place. Within reason, of course. But certainly there were not many things to keep you both from passionate embraces. Or just quickies.

Now. You have a baby. You have to wait 6 weeks to resume activities. Even though you’re bleeding for even longer than that. Not to mention that the baby is constantly suckling at your breast, barely leaving any time or energy to get back into the loving mood.

But finally. You want your husband again. Badly. And he wants you. Badly. You’re getting hot and heavy. And the baby.

Starts screaming.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

So you unlock yourselves from each other. You go get the wee little one. You nurse. You lay that sweet baby down in the middle of your bed.

And you both rendezvous on the floor to finish the business at hand. While the baby sleeps soundly in your bed. Oblivious to what his parents are partaking in.

It continues like this for a couple of years. Yet. You’re still able to have sex, regardless of the fact that you are both exhausted from life as a family, on a regular basis. High five for that one. And oral sex.

But.

The kid gets so big so fast. Another couple of brats…er…offspring come along. It’s a noisy, full, fulfilling household.

He brings home the bacon. You burn it in the pan. OK. No one taught you how to cook and you don’t understand what the big deal is if you order in pizza every night. You LOVE pizza.

But you notice that you are starting to get a FUPA. Too many pups and too much pizza are to blame. Well, that. And the fact that working out isn’t in your game plan. Nursing and chasing around kids definitely doesn’t help in the weight loss. Not when your eating the buttery crusts from the copious amounts of grilled cheese sandwiches your kids want to eat, morning, noon and night.

The kids grow. So do you. Actually, so does your husband, now that it’s been brought to your attention.

For awhile, the kids went to sleep early. And slept through the night. You were having a grand old time testing out toys and having relations regularly. Just like old times.

The only thing you had to cut out was morning sex. Getting busted too many times by your precocious kids while you were “cuddling”. And yes honey, moms and dads cuddle naked. Yes honey, Daddy likes to be on top of Mommy when we are cuddling. Run along and watch television. When we’re done “cuddling” we’ll come make you breakfast.

Suddenly though.

The kids are older. They know that you aren’t really cuddling. They know that Mommy isn’t really singing. They know that Daddy doesn’t have a splinter in his penis.

Then. They become teens. Who never sleep. Ever. Not even a little bit.
Even worse. You aren’t young anymore. And you need to sleep. A lot.
So their waking hours and your waking hours means…

They need to be sent away to boarding school if you want to schtup before 11pm and still get 8 hours of sleep. For real, you need your sleep. And they don’t seem to need theirs.

When you are able to have sex. Not 2 or 3 times a week anymore. Like when the kids were young. You have to shut the door, lock it, soundproof the room. Plus, you have to lock your kids in their rooms because they like to put their ear to the door and giggle at the fact their parents are doing what they learned about in Family Life. Sex.

This. Will continue for a few years.

Until finally. They leave. They go off to college. They get lives of their own. And I’m not even going there with them and sex.

But you? By now, you’re just to fricking tired and old to have sex as often as you did when you were young.

Here’s hoping though. That it will resemble, a little bit. With fine lines, wrinkles and all. The pre-kid days of intimacy.

Only then, you can romp at 9, catch the news and weather, and get a good nights sleep. Assuming you can sleep because, from what I understand, old people don’t sleep. They just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Oh, the things to look forward to.

Comments

comments

Comments

  2. Sports Mama says

    I had to laugh at this…. 🙂

    We’ve got teenagers. Well, one teenager and one ALMOST teenager. Same diff.

    There are times that, no matter how much the mama part of yourself wishes they wouldn’t be so busy with friends that they’re never home anymore…..those are the times you relearn the art of a successful quickie. That, or you get really good at utilizing the small space left in your bedroom closet between the shoes and the laundry basket.
    .-= Sports Mama´s last blog ..Just…..Stop. For Just a Minute, Okay? =-.

  3. elaine says

    i was laughing my head off reading this… especially because i’m on my first child and everything you’ve got written on the first portions of this entry is soooooo true to me!!! lol.

    it’s so great to find such humour in the sex life of a married couple and i am definitely looking forward to my next few decades with the hubby!

  4. GingerB says

    When I found Lord Honey I found the best. sex. of. my. life. Best. And now, with tiny tots? Hmmph. We did that once last month, I think, maybe. Are you really telling me the frequency could actually go down from here? Can you tell me something more upbeat? I was really laughing out loud at this post, until reality hit home.
    .-= GingerB´s last blog ..Heard at the house of Ginger =-.

  5. jennifer www.angstmom.com says

    ok….this is one of the best diagrams of the ebb and flow of married sex i have ever read. it seems like most women i know struggle (to some degree) with their sex lives. obligation, duty, and desire- you really explored all of these concepts.

  6. Karie says

    So good to know we all have the same story and we are proud to admit we were never reviriginized. I dread the teen years to come….with the boy and the twins…oh my!

    I take my schtupping where and when I can get it and I hope I get old and still want to! I know my grandparents do…eeeewwwww….but hey, 60 years of marriage and they still want to shag!? Something is right. I love the way you tell the story my friend!
    .-= Karie´s last blog ..Gifts for Everyone: Nanda Clocky =-.

  9. MommyTo6Kids says

    So true on so many levels. If only my kids weren’t spaced 10 years apart, from the oldest to the youngest. Such fun to experience multiple levels of this, all at once. Oh. And I laughed so hard when I read this, my oldest two were looking at me strange. 🙂

  15. Hockeymandad says

    Wow, that almost depressed me. What is a FUPA? Maybe I don’t wanna know, I’m on the edge after reading about my future!
    .-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Collecting Thoughts =-.

  18. Ali says

    LOL….OMG…I learned from my big brother a few years ago, what a FUPA was…he said it, and I was like “what the hell is THAT?!?!” Then he told me, and I wished I hadn’t asked! lol. Great post, so freaking true and sad and hilarious all at the same time. Because I have been there…for some of it, anyway!

  19. Jamie says

    Great…I am SO not showing this post to my husband. He’ll be very depressed! 😉 LOL

    Yeah last night I went to bed at 9:30 because I was so freakin’ tired. And with the time change my girls aren’t sleeping in on the weekends right now.

    We’re screwed and not in a good way!

  23. Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) says

    I’m totally all about the 9pm sex just in time to catch the last bit of news, read a book and go to bed…and I’m a long way from being “old”. Gawd I wonder what I’ll be like when the kids are in college?
    .-= Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog ..Community Supported Agriculture =-.

  24. Tiaras & Tantrums says

    seriously – laughing so loud at this – giggling all the way through the post!
    I think I may send this to my husband to let him know he is one odd man out. He never wants it. “too tired, too stressed”. I have to beg during ovulation time and he always rolls his eyes at me -“already”.
    .-= Tiaras & Tantrums´s last blog ..Night At The Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian DVD Review & Giveaway =-.

  25. Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo says

    This made me laugh and cry.

    Actual conversation not 10 minutes ago:

    me: The teens will be out of the house tonight! We could do the nasty!

    Him: After Boo (the 11 year old) goes to bed.

    me: *sigh* they will be back by ten. Wanna rent a movie?

    Sex. I miss it.

  26. The Retired One says

    Ok. You.
    Our kids are gone and now we have GRANDKIDS.
    Our love life is better than EVER.
    Not as frequent as when we were first married, but close.
    And now?
    He knows EXACTLY what I need and want and I do for him.
    It ROCKS.
    So don’t make fun of us old people….
    your time is coming.
    And if you are lucky, you’ll get your mojo back like we did too!!
    .-= The Retired One´s last blog ..The Photography Potpourri Continues…. =-.

  28. PIC Programmer : says

    i think the married life is the most special time where a man and woman shares each others blessings and commitment,:-

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