A couple nights ago, I got out of the shower and caught a glimpse of my naked self in the steamed up mirror.
I was shocked.
Fat. I got fat. AGAIN. And it wasn’t the steam making my reflection look distorted.
All the weight that I had lost had been replaced by major amounts of padding and dimples.
I dried off. Put on pajamas that covered EVERYTHING.
I went to bed. Heavy. Both in body and heart.
That morning, after coffee and breakfast, I went to change into my clothes. I grabbed some stuff to throw on.
And my pants didn’t fit. The shirt looked too tight. And I was a mess.
Then it dawned on me. The night before, the vision in the mirror…it wasn’t a nightmare. It was for real.
I had gained a lot of weight. And it didn’t disappear overnight.
I started to cry. Because I don’t know how to fix it.
I can obsessively tweet and blog. Crochet until my hands fall off. Bake. Cook. All with a passion.
But losing weight and exercising. I’m a failure.
It doesn’t help that all I do is sit on my ASS, laptop on my…LAP. Pretty much all day. I’ve become the same as my laptop. An inanimate object. The only thing moving on me are my fingers moving the only thing on my computer that moves…the cursor. Cursing me with a fatter ass.
Sigh.
So, just throwing something on. And expecting it to fit. Has become a thing of the past for me. And I’m NOT OK with that.
This weekend. After I cried to my husband and threatened to start smoking again, because that usually helps me to lose weight and keep it off, he left and went to Sams Club.
He brought me home a treadmill. Because my old one died. It was tragic. And my mint condition, never been used gym club membership…still sitting in mint condition and never been used.
My first treadmill took me thousands of miles, all while jiggling in the comfort of my own home. I like that. I like the convenience of having personal exercise equipment. The privacy of working out in whatever tight, mismatched outfit I may actually throw on. And because work out clothes are the only thing I can just “throw on” these days…oversized shirts and workout pants, working out at home is much more appealing to me.
So, he came home with this beautiful treadmill that has a ton of bell and quite a few whistles. We put it together ourselves. And yes, I appreciate it much more that way. Ok fine, not really. It was a pain in the ass to put together. We probably should have paid the extra money to have the professionals come out and do it right. But, I’m really excited to have it here.
To me, this is a personal dare. Having this treadmill sitting in my living room, mocking me, daring me…
No more excuses. No more saying that I just couldn’t find the time. No more being upset about how far my body has fallen…literally.
No more.
Today. It was day 1. I did the treadmill for an hour. It felt good.
I really hope I can say that today is the first day of my not being a diet and exercise failure. Ever. Again.
Now, I have to remember to cancel that darn gym membership.
Good for you. It is so hard to get into a routine of exercising after you’ve been out of it for a while. I was in a good routine, then winter hit and now I can find any excuse to not go out for a run and instead sit on my butt with my laptop.
Hearing you there Melissa. If only I could channel my OCD tendencies to exercising regularly. Sigh.
My husband (he rock climbs and he runs too) told me the other day that my desire to lose the extra pounds should come from within. My reply to him was the usual wife grunt. But he’s right, I will and I should.
Good luck to you my friend.xx
Good luck, darlin’. Whatever you can do to love yourself again is worth it; it’s the main goal actually. Loving yourself, confidence and the way that self assured, positive woman carries herself is so damn sexy.
Get on that treadmill and take back control from your self doubt and negativity. You are so beautiful inside and out …. it’s time for you to start believing that. Plus it’s exercise … it prevents depressive thoughts, promotes good feeling and that can only be a good thing. Eat healthy on top of the working out and you will rule the world 🙂
And that Brenda girl’s husband is right … desire to change – in whichever way – has to come from within. That’s some true and excellent advice there.
ME TOO. Nothing fits. The shit I wore last fall/winter when I was pregnant is too tight on my arms. WTF is that about?!?! I keep telling myself that today’s the day I eat healthier and cut out junk but then it doesn’t happen. So I guess I’ll start tomorrow. Again.
well if you are so passionate by nature, why don’t opt for some swimming or cycling stuff..to keep you bod toned
Good for you getting back on the treadmill. It can be challenging to start an exercise program.
You go girl!
I think we’ve all been the same boat at one time or another (or many times for that fact). Good luck in your new resolve…I’m pulling for ya!
Hey Melissa,
I am so feeling you!
You are already on the right track, congrats. I miss my treadmill too. So now I just walk or ride the exercise bike, but I would rather walk.
You are doing great!!!
I’m with ya sweetie. You can do this, but know that you are always beautiful!
You can do it! And how awesome is it that he did that for you?!?! Good man.
Congrats on wanting to work out and actually doing it. Maybe I need a treadmill. I actually love walking,but this town sucks for it. So, how long until you install a bracket to hold the laptop so you can tweet?
I feel your pain. There really is a thin(ish) person inside of this post-two-baby-body of mine that is just dying to come back. When I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror I am sometimes shocked. As stupid as this sounds, I really don’t THINK that I look the way that I do. How sad is that? Your husband is awesome for helping you out. That’s what we all need – support to do what we WANT to do. I started spinning in June and I do it 3 times a week, I haven’t lost much weight (about 5 pounds), but I’ve lost some inches (couldn’t tell you how much, there is NO way that I’m going to measure my fat ass), but most importantly since I’ve been spinning, I feel good. Physically, I’m still tired cuz I don’t sleep due to two small monsters, but mentally the exercise has done wonders. I sweat buckets during these one hour classes, and I feel like I’m just sweating my stress away. Get exercising, you’ll feel great and eat lots of cupcakes! (hahaha) Good luck, love yourself, and thanks for sharing!
You rock! A whole hour!
I sish you good luck!
I am very terrible and losing weight and excercise, but I am trying. I hope you have lots of success
Make your workout time during your favorite show or shows. That way you get the best of both worlds. Hey! Maybe you could set up a virtual Tweetup for those tweeting while ‘treading. Me? I need to go to the gym to work out. The presence of other people motivates me and keeps me going.
Good for you! The first step is always the hardest, right? My problem is I forget to keep taking first steps. Which is why, seven months post baby, I still look preggers. But I’m trying. Lord, how I’m trying.
I’ll be cheering you on!
I’m proud of you. At the doc the other day, I found out 10 pounds had bounced back on from my weight loss last year. I’ve gotta get back on the wagon before I get big enough to start pulling it.
If I walked for an hour on day 1, I’d get shin splints that would knock me back on my fat butt for another month.
ya don’t look very fat to me. are you over 200lbs like myself? lol i had a treadmill and just sold it. it got boring. i occupy myself w the wii, weights, and walking dvds.
good luck! little exercise everyday is better than none at all.
How awesome of your hubby to run out and get you that! You can do it, I am sure of it!!
Can I call you a complete b*tch bc I WANT A TREADMILL! I am so so so jealous! I spend hours (too many hours) tweeting after the family goes to bed when I could be jogging on a beautiful treadmill.
OK – now that I’m over my jealousy I’m going to tell you that I’m happy for you – you can do it!
Good luck! You can do this!
I am so proud of you. The first day is always tough, and you’ve made it through. I hope that your momentum continues along in this direction. I’m totally rooting for you.
And I completely understand about wanting to exercise in your own home. I did the same thing with a gym membership. I much prefer working out in my torn up t-shirts and unbrushed hair.
So, do you read the blog Bodies in Motivation? It’s pretty awesome and definitely re-motivates me when I feel like I’m losing my own motivation. I hate dieting. But I’m growing to like exercising. Which is a good thing since I hate being fat. And jiggly.
I just want to say…your husband ROCKS!!! What a great man to be that insightful and to love you enough to really care:) As much as we all bitch about out husbands its things like that that redeem them soooo many points:) That is worth so much! I cant tell you how much my body changed after having my daughter…after almost 2 years I am finally seeing some resemblance of my old body!!! It took that long for me to realize how fat I was and how I looked nothing like my old self! I went from a size 8 to a size 14 after baby, I am on my way back down now…but I hate to exercise too:))) GOOOD LUCK! By the way you are still beautiful…no matter what you weigh:)
An hour!? Wowza! Good for you. I think you and I were looking in the same mirror last night because I had the same reaction. Only I didn’t get up and run on the treadmill…which I should have. My big problem is that I hate sweating and it’s kind of tough to lose weight without the sweat. But I should. And I will. Sometime real soon. In the mean time I cheer you on! Go for it!
Oh, the tight pants, the cruel recrimination of the tight pants! Hope you make time for yourself to stick with it. It can be so tough to squeeze that in when all you wanna do is sit and relax. Good luck!
Oh, the tight pants, the cruel recrimination of the tight pants! Hope you make time for yourself to stick with it. It can be so tough to squeeze that in when all you wanna do is sit and relax. Good luck!
My dream is an elliptical machine and a big tv with TIVO. I can record the shows I never get to watch and then watch them while I exercise.
I am with you girl. Yay for a new treadmill! xoxoxo