I have compiled a list of questions typically asked by young kids (read MY young kid) who never stops pondering the meaning of life and our mere existence. And, I have come up with age appropriate answers for that 1st grade and under set. You know, those brats who never stop asking questions while in a car, on the toilet, while reading bedtime stories or basically the entire waking hours of the day.
Well, be stumped no more when searching your mind for an answer that will stop the onslaught of questions. I’ve taken a bunch of questions that my son asks along with the answers that I give him and now, we share them with you.
Q: Mom, when alligators bite you, does that hurt?
A: Yes. The best thing to do is stay away from places where alligators run amok.
Q: Mom, why is the sky blue?
A: Because it is. Now, shut up while I drive.
Q: Why is the grass green?
A: Um, well, because the sky is blue. And G-D didn’t want to overuse the same color.
Q: Mom, why do people need to sleep?
A: To get a break from each other.
Q: How come people dream?
A: To be entertained while your sleeping.
Q: Mom, when parents give each other a special hug, is the Dad naked without underwear?
A: Yes. So is the Mom. It’s all very…naked.
Q: How did a special hug make little babies?
A: The snake goes in and out of the cave, spits and goes to sleep.
Q: Snakes make babies?
A: Never mind.
Q: How come I can’t have a baby brother?
A: Ask your dad.
Q: Why are old people old?
A: Because, they aren’t young anymore.
Q: How soon after we die to we come back?
Q: Why do people die?
A: To make room for new people. If people didn’t die eventually, the world would be so crowded that we would all be smushed next to each other. This is about G-D respecting our personal spaces.
Q: When I die, will my house and toys be in heaven waiting for me?
A: Maybe. If you make sure to keep them neat. G-D isn’t too fond of big messes.
Q: Mom, who made G-D?
A: Ask your dad.
Q: Mom, you don’t believe in G-D so how do you know so much?
A: Because I’m a genius.
Q: Do animals go to the same heaven as people?
A: Sure they do.
Q: Mom, why do you hate Spongebob.
A: Because he’s gross. And ugly. And stupid.
Q: Where are Max and Ruby’s parents?
A: Good question.
Q: How come girls privates look like that?
A: Because if they looked like yours, they would be boys.
Q: How come you have a fat tummy?
A: Because you were in it. And I binge eat on the crap I keep in the house to make your meals.
Q: Why do people have to eat? To be strong?
A: Yes. And so their blood sugar doesn’t drop and they become demonic horrors.
Q: Why does television turn your brain to mush?
A: Because. It does. And the only way to fix it is to read.
Q: Why is the top of your hair white?
A: I guess it’s time for a touch up.
Q: What’s that black thing on your chin?
A: Mommy, I love you.
A: I love you too. So much.
Please, feel free to refer to this list of questions and answers to help you to educated and arm your children with knowledge. Or, to at least get five minutes of silence while they think about the answer or to come up with a new question.
You. Are welcome.
And no, these are, in NO WAY, serious. Well, maybe not totally.
And yes, I have used these answers. And no. They don’t keep him quiet for very long.
This post is not to replace the opinion of a real doctor or someone who is much smarter and better adept at answering questions without traumatizing their children.