My sisters youngest son, my precious nephew, was over yesterday. He was here to play with my youngest son. The two of them have the funniest little friendship, constant chattering and bickering. The best of friends. Sometimes.
I was upstairs, cuddled up in my bed with my laptop, watching the Dr. Phil episode with my friend Jessica. It was the episode about the ridiculous Mommy Wars. And Jessica gave an incredibly strong voice to us SAHM’s. BUT. I’m not going to go off to this war.
Anyway.
I kept hearing my son whining. And yelling. At his cousin.
But, I was far too busy to go investigate. No one was crying. The only kid making noise was mine. And besides, the big kids were downstairs with them and if there was a major problem, someone would have inevitably told me.
Seems that the big television was on. In the room where everyone hangs out. The big kids were done with all of their homework. So they were allowed to watch Nick or one of those channels.
And my nephew was zombified in front of the television.
He wouldn’t play. He wouldn’t talk. I’m not sure he was even blinking or breathing.
He couldn’t get enough of television. And refused to play with my son.
Which leads me to this.
It’s one thing to have rules. Regulations. Structure. Regimented strictness. That the kids have to abide by.
It’s another thing to keep them away completely or to treat it like an apple dangling in front of a horse, from things like television, video games and junk food. Stuff that isn’t traditionally “good” for them.
These things become the forbidden fruit. Kids are going to find a way to eat that apple when their maker isn’t looking. Yes, my darling sister, I’m talking to you.
Maybe I don’t have structure. Maybe the rules in my home are lax. Maybe I’m a lazy parent.
But my kids don’t feel like they are being held hostage either.
Because they are allowed to do things, it doesn’t seem as interesting to them. Does that make sense?
They don’t go to their friends house and eat all their junk food, like I used to do as a kid. Sugar cereals and candy were rarely brought into the house. So I would binge eat at my friends houses on Pop-Tarts, animal crackers, Butterfingers…WHATEVER. And one of my friends was not allowed to have me come over anymore. Because I would eat them out of junk food house and home.
My kids, as long as their homework is done, can pretty much do whatever they want. Except for smoking crack and drinking Jack in their bedrooms!
The television is always on at my house. Sometimes the kids watch it. Other times, it’s just an energy drain. Video games are played like crazy. Computers are always online. Kids are constantly eating, playing, fighting, making noise, creating messes…wreaking havoc of one type or another, here at my house. And that…is (sometimes) OK with me. It’s when they don’t clean up the chaos and havoc created messes that I start getting pissed.
But my little nephew. Who, by the way, is seriously the cutest thing in the entire world. He is like a little toy. And I absolutely love him. So much.
Every time he comes to my house. He tells me that he isn’t allowed to do ANYTHING at his house. EXCEPT play.
And you may roll your eyes and say to yourselves sarcastically, oh that poor kid.
But I kept thinking to myself. Yeah. My poor nephew. Who I want to eat. Is having resentment issues with his toys.
And that to me, my sister, is sad. Go ahead and tell me all the things you thing I do wrong. I’m very aware of my mistakes and my short comings.
But dude. Loosen up. You are doing to him worse than your parents did to you.
I tell you this with nothing more than a heart FULL of love. For you and my nephews.
Where do you draw the line, my friends, between too strict and too lax?
What are your parenting strategies to keep your kids feeling like there is structure and rules yet not feeling like they are in a prison?
i’m in the middle…i think it’s ok to let the kids watch tv, play vid games, etc., as long as it’s not an everyday/all day kind of thing. but you also have to have the balance by encouraging them to play outside. you’re right, the more you deprive kids of something, the more they want it. sometimes overprotecting and being too strict can lead them to rebel and do even worse things than watching tv.
Ah, my dear, darling sister…all I can say to you is (1) you are so easily manipulated and bamboozled by your youngest nephew that it’s hysterical and (2) you clearly do not have a clue about what really goes on in my home…especially if you’re relying on the representations of that particular 4 year old. I love you more than most anyone in the world, I appreciate your interest in the well-being of your nephews, and I would appreciate it if you would confirm that he is in fact breathing when he is zombiefied on your couch while in your care! You also might want to check under him to make sure he hasn’t peed in his pants on your couch. 🙂
One of son’s friends has a mother that doesn’t allow any type of weapons in their house. Nerf guns. Water guns. Light Sabers… you know the usually things hanging out in a 7 year olds playroom. THAT boy, my sons friend, is the most violent freaking kid ever. When he comes over to play he harms people on purpose. Perhaps it’s his personality and not the product of the no-weapon rule. However, it always makes me think.
it wasnt MY house you were kicked out of in high school….cuz we didnt have any junk food in our pantry either!
Bottom line – we’re all doing the best we can. You do what works for you, sister will do what works for her. In the end as long as your kids aren’t serial killers, I think it’s ok.
I think Mommy X is correct that we are all doing what we feel is best and that truly is the bottom line. But I also feel that it is important for kids to have down or alone time. I don’t necessarily think this means they need to be in front of the TV or alone in their room with no toys but I do think they need a break from everything or just an opportunity to be. I think them having that chance allows for the development of things such as imagination.
I enjoyed Dr. Phil yesterday. I don’t see this as a war at all. Maybe there are women out there making it out to be that way but I see it more as an ongoing conversation. I don’t think that conversations with differing opinions HAVE to equal arguments or wars. There are always going to be differing opinions and having public, open conversations about it, like Dr. Phil yesterday, is a good thing. No one is better than anyone else because they choose to stay home or work outside the home or parent one way versus another. We do what we have to do and what we feel is best for those that we are caring for.
Hi, Your sister is going to kill you…lol. My daughter if you listen to the “experts” should not see tv until she is two!! Well she has seen it and plenty of it. BUT we watch age appropriate stuff…we dance and sing to Yo Gabba Gabbe ( thank God no one sees me!) And we discuss colors, songs, and funny things. At times it entertains her while I cook dinner and to be honest…I am sure she has seen at least a few minutes of my favorite soap if she is not napping…:)! So to me as long as your kids are not zoned out drooling watching tv all day not socializing and refusing to go out and play when they can…then who cares! My daughter is smart, funny, socal and loves to play outside:) So it is totally up to the individual but I think most people fall somewhere in the middle.
I completely agree with your statement that when kids are allowed to do things they aren’t as interested in them. I was totally the kid who scarfed junk food at other kids’ houses – in all honestly I ate nothing but white bread for teh first two weeks I was at college because it had always been “forbidden fruit”. To this day I will hide koolaid if I buy because I feel residual guilt about drinking something so sugary. On the flip side, while I am completley obsessed with having the tv on, my kids could care less. Sometimes they watch and sometimes they do other things – there are no television zombies in this house. Moderation is key in all walks of life – sheltering your child does them no favors in the long run.
Mommy X I agree with you. To each his/her own, as the saying goes. We are all in this together doing the best that we possibly can.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I agree you have to let go a little- moderation is okay. We have T.V on- I don’t have the timer set and my kids don’t watch that much of it. One is playing basketball and the other is coloring in her bedroom- no pressure.
When my (now ex) sister-in-law would come over to our house, she’d gaze transfixed at our television. I guess she grew up with very minimal tv watching. We’d always make fun of her after she left because it was just impossible to talk to her, her eyes would glass over and her mouth agape. It was hilarious. Suffice it to say, my kids will never have that problem.
I value peace, structure and routine – and whatever I have to do to maintain those things in my house is what I do. Sometimes that means putting on a cartoon instead of HLN, giving a bowl of chippies instead of diced apples, and allowing them to eat on the floor in the family room – carpet picnic, as we call it – is fine by me.
I’m a stickler about certain things: eating dinner together as a family every single night at 5:00, bedtime, brushing teeth, cleaning rooms, no shoes on the carpet, practicing good hygiene and staying safe, but I have learned over the years to pick my battles and I’m way more laid back then I used to be. My kids think I’m pretty cool, so I must be doing something right!
For the most part, I’m kind of like you. I do restrict candy to twice a week, because the dentist asked us to, but I make exceptions if it’s a holiday, or a birthday, or a wednesday with a really bad candy craving.
I don’t fight about food, life is too short. I offer it, if they eat it fine, if not they will be hungry someday.
I try not to fight about clothes, but draw the line at shorts in 30 degrees or giant holes in the knees for school.
I don’t restrict TV or video games if homework is done, and they don’t really pay much attention to either.
For the most part, I save my battles for manners, being kind to each other, and helping clean up around this mess, homework, and bedtime. Other than that, if they aren’t hurting themselves or others, I’m pretty cool with whatever they want to do.
I’m not big on banning candy, tv, xbox, etc.
My son’s 9 and he seems to have found moderation for all of the above. I know what you mean though, the neighbor boy isn’t allowed to watch tv at all. He comes over here and zones out to it, while my son begs him to play.
I’m kinda in the middle as well. I let them watch TV because that would mean a few extra minutes of quiet time for me.;)
But like Miss Behavin I’m Ms Structure too, homework first before TV, no video or computer games on schooldays though, family meals are eaten together, in bed by 8.30 on schoolnights.
Fridays are like the happy hour days. They can eat ice cream, stay up later than usual and play computer games, the Wii etc. The routine works for me and my kids are quite happy about it…most of the time.=)
My house is similar to yours, but I think whatever works for your family is awesome. I don’t think it’s your place to say anything to your sister about running her family the way it works for her though. Does she read your blog?
I prolly fall into the lax category, but one thing I am adamant about is talking to adults with respect. My kids can watch the heck out of TV, live on junk food, but they won’t sass me or anyone’s parent. Priorities.
I’m into all things in moderation. I have never had a problem working that into the way I raise my kids. The funny thing is that for myself I have no ability to work the middle ground. I’m all or nothing.
In Texas my kids never blinked at the TV. 20 acres of horse pasture did it to ’em. I used to have to bribe them to lay down with me to watch a movie – just so I could rest. Now in the city it’s different. They have a mini backyard and hate it. But I’ve learned to limit indoor time. For the sake of all of our sanity. As far as food – they get treats (sweet stuff) on occasion and sometimes 3+ times a week. And we don’t have superb eating habits at all! But they can’t have soda but maybe 4 times a month because 1. it’s super expensive 2. if they are that thirsty – water is normally the cure 3. i hate going to the store to stock up.
With most things with my kids though I try to keep a balance. Or push using imagination as much as possible. I was spoiled in Texas with how they were. They’d pack a lunch, a Gatorade and I’d see them only if they had to use the restroom (sometimes!), they ran out of food or when it was dark.
I’m really strict with the kids, but my wife is more lax. We balance each other out.
I like a happy medium. I don’t think TV is that bad for kids (we haven’t reached the video game age yet) but I limit it. I let the kids watch a little in the morning and a little at lunch and that’s it. If it’s crazy bedlam (like it was tonight) I sometimes cut myself some slack and let them watch a bit of TV at night.
You and I are maternal soulmates, love.
If I thought I had reason to worry, I would place restrictions. But my boys are both top of their classes, good kids and awesome. The vote is still out on the Toddler Princess 😉
I think I fall somewhere in the middle of you & your sister. But I definitely agree with you about the ‘forbidden fruit’ theory.
My sister, brother and I were raised in a single parent household. We were in low income housing, food stamps, govmt assist, etc. Mom wasn’t too strict.. but we often did things on our own. My younger brother had ADHD, must have attended every school in the plymouth-canton district. It was a rough ride at times. My younger sister and brother even dropped out of school before their junior year.
My aunt, moms sister, used to tell my mom she was ruining us.. that we’d grow up to be hoodlums, drug addicts, or *gasp* single parents ourselves. Mom let us watch r-rated movies sometimes, had later curfews, stuf like that.
My aunts kids, my closest cousins, were raised under strict strict rules. curfews, no boys over after blah time, my cousin was probably 16 before she even kissed a boy, that kind of stuff.
Now… My ADHD brother has a home in VA, family, works hard, and is a great person all around. My sister.. married with 2 daughers. good loving home. And same for me.
My cousins.. one is an alcoholic and has been arrested for druck driving on many occations. his sister, had *gasp* premarital sex that resulted in, yep.. pregnancy. Mind you they got married and all.. but it’s still proves that if you shelter the kids too much, they WILL rebel.
One thing comes to mind: MODERATION!!!!!