I wish I was the type of writer who gained inspiration by something as simple as a tendril of hair brushing against my child’s rosy cheek.
I wish I could write poetry out of ordinary daily events that would leave you breathless and in awe.
I wish I could weave strands of my day into baskets of tales that evoked raw and real emotion.
But. I can’t.
My days are boring and uneventful.
I’m pregnant with ideas, emotions, words unwritten, waiting to go into labor and to be birthed. To be held out and be admired.
I can’t think.
I can’t write.
Laundry. Health. Money. They are fragments. Burdens. Things that block the dam.
And did you happen to notice, every single sentences starts with I or me? Yuck.
But that’s where I am right now.
I don’t want to be here, in this dark-ish hole. But I’m sitting here feeling around for a match.
Really though. My major problem is me.
What purpose does this blog serve in defining me?
More importantly, who am I? Who is the me beyond the mother, the wife, the daughter, the sister and the friend.
Who am I to me?
And god damn it. I don’t think I’ve ever known. Not truly.
Not knowing who I am and why I am here, in the blogland and in real life, makes the flow of words even more constipating. NO. I’m NOT depressed. Just in a life quandary.
And I wish there was some sort of emotional stool softener that could loosen this bind and let the ideas, the words, the feelings spew out.
But for now.
I keep straining to push out this crap.
You know, I think we’re all born as artists with creativity and it’s the outside influences and society that manages to repress the creator and tells us to sit behind desks all day, take care of houses and cook and wait for the family to come home, forget who we are thanks to the all mighty roles of mother and wife, etc. ~ and it’s a shame really.
Those people who write all that beauty you described so seemingly easy didn’t just do that overnight, I guarantee you. Rather, they found their voice, their art, their niche, etc. through a little self exploration and some hits and misses. I think you could use some time where you stop looking around you at all the talent you feel you don’t have – just turn it off – and look deep into yourself; perhaps remember the little girl with the hopes and dreams and passions before wife and mother and blogger was even fathomed. That little girl you see? That’s the one who was born creative; her voice will be clear and THAT is your voice and your strength and your identity beyond mommy, wife and mommy blogger.
I’ve found over the past two years on the mom blogs that there are very, very few unique voices anymore; your blog as well as maybe 10 others are the only mom blogs I read anymore because the rest all blur into something resembling porridge. I don’t know why I return back here because it’s not just because I love you from before (there have been a ton of blogs I’ve dropped where I still love the blogger, I just can’t swallow the stories any longer) but I think it’s because you do have something unique … something awesome waiting to bust out and I’m kind of waiting to see it.
Find that little girl within. The one with the dreams. Remember what those dreams were and recall how that little girl could do anything. In doing that, I bet you’ll find you.
Melissa Multitasking Mama says
Don’t give yourself a ‘roid. We all fall in that ditch sometimes. (((hugs)))
I get it- I’m not confused at all. And did you notice that my comment is mostly “I”s” too- I hate that, but I do it – all- the-time. Unfortunately, that is what defines me. It is the only time that I get to use “I” because at home and in daily life it’s about everyone else. So embrace it, I say!
and I need to leave another comment because I need to update my address- more “I’s”!
Tara R. says
This is poetry that leaves me breathless. Beautiful and filled with emotion.
Just remember that after along labor and pains of birth come a yucky, blood and goo filled mass and it’s not until all the gunk is wiped away that you are grace with a beautiful baby.
Well, for someone who is constipated, you certainly produced a lovely loaf of a post.
She who knows says
Huckdoll says it well. It’s there, nurture it.
Sometimes you just need a break and the chance to be inspired 🙂
You, in yourself, are a beautiful person. We as your audience (and friends) will be patient while you figure out what ails you. Can’t scare us away that easily! 🙂
I wish that I could write about my brain blanking, my lack of inspiration and all-together ‘lost-ness’ as well as you do. It seems to me, the stress of not knowing what to write about or how to feel more inspired is making you look inward – and therefore find some beautiful inner writer.
Hugs, friend. I understand.
Supa Dupa Fresh says
Baby, you ain’t got problems. You’re a gem. Be patient with yourself, it will look better in the morning. If not, apply chocolate.
(((HUGS))) It’s hard to know who we are even without a blog. You wear many shoes: wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, blogger. These are things you are to other people. You, in yourself, are a human, a woman, a lover of many things, a writer, a giver & more. You are special. You are loved. You are You. And no matter where your thoughts take you, know that you are not alone.
Also, I believe the Dr. Phil show you were on is on today in the Detroit area, CBS, channel 62 at 5:00 pm.
dysfunctional mom says
Serious writing is something I always think of in terms of ‘one day’, because right now my days are so full of ordinary things like work, kids’ school stuff, dinner, bills….I don’t have time to be inspired to write beautifully. I always think that ‘one day’ when I’m not so busy and my mind isn’t so full, I’ll be inspired and have time to creatively write the way I want to.
Gee whiz. If this is what you write when you’re uninspired, you’re in for a Pulitzer AND the Nobel for Literature when you do get inspired.
Everyone or should I say blogger feels this way at one time or another.
Your posts are wonderful. I love that you are you!
Hugs and Mocha,
Hey! You said it perfectly! We are all on a journey that is sometimes perfect and wonderful and other times in the toilet! That is life, a big roller coaster! Enjoy the ride and try less to look and see what is around the corner. Focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself! Easier said then done. I love that your writing is exactly how I feel and I am sure many of us feel. I thank you for that Missy! Today you feel like shit…but look what came from that…a blog that so many can relate…like someone already said looking forward to seeing what you can do when you clear your head a bit and get inspired:) XO
There is poetry right in this post. It’s there: I think you haven’t learned how to see it in your own writing.
Don’t try to be like other bloggers and writers. I’ve told you before that you have a unique and special style and voice, something that the majority of people/writers struggle to ever develop at all. If you try to hard to be like other writers, you will lose your Self.
Same goes for topics. Your life is real; your struggles and joys and concerns are real. And they are ones to which others can relate, so when you write about them, you are not just mumbling endlessly about Self into an uncaring void. People (like me) read your blog because you are real and make us think and laugh and sigh and connect. That’s what should be happening.
Are you capable of even more? Probably. It sounds like you’re going through some birthing/crapping pains, and there’s always a sense of being blocked, of not knowing where you are headed and what the result will be. But it is often out of that pain and blocking that beauty results. Sometimes the words come too easily, and therefore they lack the depth and richness that is born of the process.
So don’t stop searching for your next stage. But comfort yourself with the knowledge that there IS one. If there’s no Next Thing, then you’ve become static and stagnant. And that way lies the end.
I love you, and I love your blog. Obviously, I’m not the only one.
What is so fabulous? You wrote something so you, so meaningful, poetic, because as women, mothers, bloggers, people we all have moments in our life that we go WTF am I doing? Who TF am I? What is the purpose? We may never know now, but the slow journey to figure it out is a great lesson. You worry too much, I think I have told you that.
Accepting that we have no control except over ourselves is so powerful. I know you can do it and accept that in the end you will have your shining light, your more than pregnant words will be released from their strained labor, money will be there to ease your burden, everything works out in the end.
You have faith my friend, embrace that beautiful powerful faith, believe in it and everything will be A-OK. xoxo ~K~