I’d like to come clean. I MUST tell you EVERYTHING I’ve received since I’ve started blogging. The guilt (gag) has been eating me alive. Also, because G-D knows you’d have to turn me upside down and shake me to find $11,000 to fine me(if you do find $11,000, I need it to pay some bills though). So lets get this full disclosure transparency thing out of the way. Because seriously, I don’t need another fricking thing to worry about with how damn stressful my life is. And this is just one more thing that I, OF COURSE, even though it BARELY pertains to me, have to obsess about. Because that’s how I’ve been rolling lately.
I’ve received with obligation to review…(start taking notes, people at the FTC)
5 different vibrators and a cock ring. You know, the kind your partners use when you are at work when they get that itch that needs to be scratched. Which they probably won by entering giveaways on BLOGS that hang out with Eden Fantasys or Pink Cherry.com. ( Are you going to make them pay fines for receiving winning products and not disclosing?)
Yes, I used mine. Oh yes, I did a review on my blog. With FULL disclosure and probably way too much TMI. The toys are still sitting in a drawer next to my bed, waiting patiently for my children to happen upon them and embarrass us by asking what they are. You are more than welcome to them. Particularly the ring. Gently used, free to good home.
I received a Swiffer vacuum 2 years ago. I TOTALLY forgot to do a review on the thing. And gee…I’m so sorry. But now that I’m thinking about it, the battery on that thing sucks. It only vacuums for a few minutes before it coughs, sputters and dies. I like it though. It sucks the crap off my kitchen floor better than my Dyson. Which blows. And no, I did not get anything to compensate my opinion on the Dyson. Which, did I happen to mention, blows? It’s a waste of money. The Oreck is WAY better. So was my old Eureka. Anyways, I digress…
I was given some eco friendly cleaning supplies, a couple things I liked, the others…so so. Some videos. A book. A doll (not a blow up sex kind, thank you very much). I did reviews as promised. I stated my opinions here and here, which were not swayed, at all, by receiving the stuff for FREE. Because I tell it like it is.
I’ve never received a vacation, a car, a major appliance. And I’m really, really pissy about that. I mean, after all, I live in Michigan…Motor City. I’ve blogged about MY car, a super old Honda Pilot, which is about to break down. My five kids and I will have to walk everywhere. Barefoot. Up hills. Both ways.
But no car companies are knocking down our doors. And this is the car capital of the United States. So what’s up with that?! 😉
No coffee maker companies have offered to give me a coffee maker for review. Well, probably because of how many stinking coffee makers we go through. Although, you’d think, seeing as we have broken everything from expensive to cheap, some company or another would want us to do resilliency testing on their products. Because if they can make it here, they can make it anywhere.
I haven’t had a vacation without kids in 6 years. Yeah. I know. Sucks.
Sadly, I’m not Dooce so, when I tweet about things breaking down. And I call out the brand on Twitter…I get ignored. Gee, I suppose I should insert a sigh here. *dripping with sarcasm*
But FTC? You know what I got from blogging? That you couldn’t even put a price on.
Well, I’m going to tell you.
The most amazing “brands”. I have, luckily, received a bunch over the course of the two years that I’ve been blogging. I’ve done a few “reviews” on them. Lots of free publicity here on my blog.
So try to fine me on that.
I double dog dare ya.
ps. I just lied when I signed it yours truly. Because what I really wanted to say was bite me.
i have no idea what this is about, but, ummm…okay! (my bubble..it’s nice in here)
don’t any mommy bloggers consider their solo trips to blahgher09 in chicago a vacation?
friendships. good thing to focus on in the end.
Awesomest sarcastic response to the changing FTC Guidelines yet! Love. it. 🙂 And I agree — the people you meet through the social web are far more valuable than any swag (though I’m a bit jealous of your Crocs sandals)
Um, are they knocking on the door? Seriously?
Maybe they’ll accept the cock ring as payment. Since they’re just a bunch of dicks anyhow.
Loved this! Enjoy your sense of humor….oh, wait, you were totally serious. Well anyway, here’s to hoping someone gives you a much deserved vacation, FREE for a good review, and watches the kids for you too. Cheers….
2 words…LOVED IT!!!!
Amanda @ High Impact Mom says
Omgosh. I love you. Really. I do. You make my days so much better. BTW..if I find a company handing out free REAL vacations (not a conference which BTW is NOT a real vacation) I’ll totally tell them about you! You’re awesome. *Sigh* Oh, and if you find a company looking ot give out free cars..remember me too 🙂 Thanks for this:)
This.is.Awesome. Good for you! I just saw a clip on the news the other day about this. Does the government really have to get into every little corner of our lives? Hell, we blog for ourselves first & for others 2nd. Most of us anyway. I’m sure some blog for just getting free stuff, but that’s not what we’re about & I’m glad you brought it to light through your wonderful post! And if you’re interested, I heard about this nice piece of swampland…LOL!
What else can be said other than “You RAWKED it!” The FTC is hulabaloo, and until a final say is laid down and some over paid attorney interprets it with a PR company, what you don’t think the FTC has a marketing division, then we will all know THE FINAL word. Until then…WHO effing cares!
You tell ’em, toots!
LizzB (@hereslizz) says
Love your blog. You make me smile all the time. LOVED this post!….lol Take that you FTC’ers
Becks Davis says
Fantastic! I haven’t read the new “rules” yet as it doesn’t seem to pertain to me. But I still find it ridiculous.
Love your sense of humor!
The Retired One says
I am behind in reading blogposts and just catching up again…I read your posts about the panic attacks and the problems you are having…
please know you are NOT alone and that all your blogger friends are here for you. We may not comment as often as we should (guilty as charged) but we do read you and are concerned for you.
Have you read THE SECRET? Try it. It really works. It sounds corny and stupid but please read it. I promise it will work for you…..
Jamei Favreau says
I love it… I am sure they want full disclosure from everyone now. LOL!
Lauren @ MOMMY IS ROCK N ROLL says
I wish that the FTC wasn’t doing this but at the same time I’m kinda glad because I’m tired of bloggers being sneaky about their business.
Tara R. says
You are the awesomeness!
Scary Mommy says
Oh, I freaking love you. Perfect.
I’ve never done a review … cause I just don’t even know how to solicit for free stuff to review, but this letter and the sarcasm it’s dripping w/ is eeever so perfect!
I love your blog! and you’re right — the bloggity friends (real and imagined) are what anyone ever really needs lol …
you got a couple vibrators? I was just watching a Gerard Butler movie the other day and thought to myself: Gosh I wish I had a vibrator to fully enjoy this movie. I mean, you wouldn’t watch a 3D movie w/o those 3D glasses, right? So, why am I here watching a Gerard Butler movie w/o some sex toys!
So you’re giving away a cock ring?
JK sorta lol.
The PS makes the whole post. Awesome.