I’m kind of a wreck these days. I haven’t been talking about it much because I’m trying to ignore it. I don’t even think I should talk about it here.
But I’m going to.
I think I’m having a breakdown of some sort.
I do.
I can’t sleep through the night. I wake up panicking. Hyperventilating. I start thinking about all the bills that need to be paid. Bills that can’t be paid. Some, if we ignore any longer, will have serious ramifications.
I listen to my husband snoring softly, seemingly untroubled.
I’m jealous. I wish I could not worry. But it seems someone has to.
I look at my clock. It’s 4am. I get up to pee.
I collect my 5 y/o, who must have his mommy radar on super sonic hearing because he is calling for me. I carry him with me and go back to bed.
When my son is talking in his sleep, the top of his body on me and legs draped over his dad, I start to obsess more.
This time, it’s about my health. I’m sure it’s cancer. Lori…I know. But still. I can’t help it.
If I lay on my left side, I can’t catch my breath. Nerves?
My tummy is swollen. There is pressure between my ribs. And I can never breathe right.
And the more worried I get, the more defined my symptoms become. Which makes me more worried.
See, I told you I’m losing it.
I worry. All the time.
Worry about money.
Panic about my children.
Feel badly that I’m not able to give them much more than the necessities. They want. I can’t always provide. Dance classes. Guitar lessons. Art. Sports.
Worry about my health.
Time.
Money.
It’s so hard.
I feel like everything about my life is. So. Fricking. Difficult.
I want to be able to contribute more than I do. But I’m career-less. I started working for my dad again. That’s a few dollars per day. Mani/pedi money. Well, it’s something, right?
I feel so trapped in my life. 40 years old. And what have I done? BESIDES my kids.
There are so many wants. And so many needs. It’s like a tidal wave crashed over me and I can’t find my way to the surface.
I need to breathe. Deeply.
And not hold that breath in.
I want more from me. For me. For my children.
I want to be able to sleep without panicking.
I want to be able to really enjoy my life.
I want to travel. To show my kids the world.
I want to be able to give my kids things that I grew up with.
But I can’t.
Because half the time, we can’t even pay all the bills.
And it’s a vicious cycle.
Worry leads to panic which leads back to worry.
And so it goes back to me. A wreck.
I’m not really sure what to do about it.
Except what I am doing.
Which really, doesn’ t seem like very much.
I just need to be able breathe.
And I want to get to the point where exhaling is involuntary again.
money sucks. the end.
also, feel better!!!!!!
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
i can so relate to this.
if you need anything, give me a call. i’m a good listener, promise.
xo
hun.
what have you done? well, from what i know of you, you’ve quit a dirty filthy smoking habit, you’re running more than one blog, you threw a successful Batmitzvah or whatever for your kid this year or last (can’t remember), you’ve attended BlogHer, you’ve been on Dr. Phil. hmmm, it seems to me like you’ve done things, lady.
now. you’ve got to stop thinking about what you haven’t done, look at what you HAVE done and use that as inspiration to do more.
do you really want to write a book? is that the passion of your life or are you just wanting to be a published blogger like every other mommy blogger wants to be? if that’s truly your passion then go for it. go to school and learn how to write properly and get published. it’s one thing to write a blog, it’s another thing completely to write a book and have it published. it’s a huge, huge thing.
as for worry? worrying is not going to help anything, it’s going to make you sick.
as for money? north american’s want want want more more more. must have the best of everything.
you can start with being happy with what you have and teaching your kids the same thing. people who always want more material things are never going to be happy. the end. trips and stuff do not make people happy. love does.
maybe start giving to others less fortunate.
i don’t have a cellphone, a DVR, we have one TV that i never watch…and i have more than the majority of the world. and i am happy. so we give to people with less than us and i makes us feel good.
for anxiety try yoga…find some spiritual method of calming. i meditate. i walk, i run, my family and i eat only whole foods and organics supplemented with serious vitamin and mineral concoctions.
i think about only this moment. i may have cancer laying inside me right now and i don’t care. i’m going to die and it might be when I click out of your blog and something in my brain or heart explodes or in 70 years. whatever. life’s too short to fear being sick. go to the doctor and stop worrying.
and stop comparing yourself to others and be your own; that in itself is admirable
Oh hon. Panic attacks suck. Ya know, even Atlas had to shrug. You can’t carry the weight of the world on your back. Talk to your husband. Know that you are a good mom. Lean on friends, like me. It is gonna be okay.
Wow. Its like you’re in my head. I have many if not all of the feelings you’re having, on a regular basis. Some days are better than others, and some days you feel like you are on the verge of tears the entire time. Hug. Hug. Hug.
Holding you!
I think we are all there, we just fight it, hold it back, conceal it all to ourselves. I just know that in the end everything will be okay, things always get worse before they get better. I got fired from my job when I was pregnant with my oldest, jobless for a month, then came the perfect job. Back on our feet right before the rug came out. Hang in there. If you need to talk please call me….I listen quietly, you know that from my lurking.
Your kids have the best and everything they truly need…..a mom who wants ALL for them and loves them to pieces. I love you!
Are you in my head? I just posted about this topic on my other blog today. Ya know, the one I don’t advertise and can rant and rave in without family coming across and wanting to talk to me lol
*huggles and snuggles* We will make it through. Money troubles suck. Health issues suck even more when you have money troubles. I’m trying a cotton ball with a few drops of lavendar oil tucked into my pillow and hoping it will help. *crosses fingers and toes* Lavendar is supposed to be good for anxiety.
If you need me, give me a hollar.
We are all there. Just remember that.
My son said today that he wishes he could be 5 years old again (he is 18 now). When he was 5 I was a single mother working 3 jobs and saw him only one dedicated day out of the week (he was always with sitters) and we lived in a low income neighborhood and I could give hime one trip out a week, usually a movie or dinner at Applebees, or a day at the zoo with our yearly zoo membership. Now we live in a nice house in the burbs and he wishes for the early days of nothing but a quality day with mom. Go figure. There is always something. The most I can hope to try is to listen when he needs to talk and let him know that I am there for him.
This post made me tear up.
I think we all reach that time in our lives when we question the choices we’ve made. We crave so much more for our kids and ourselves.
Don’t give up – it’s never too late to do something that will give you personal fulfillment.
oh girlie – I don’t have much advise – just wanted to say that I feel for you . . . I DO NOT sleep and have not for years. I am dog arse tired and once I get in bed – my brain becomes this active volcano! I hope this all works out for you! REally !! I could feel your panic in your words! HUGS
Oh, sweetie. Like a page out of my own mind. Truly.
Holding you. I hope that you find answers soon. Breathe in, breathe out. Use your space to rant, to rave, to get it out of your head and onto the screen. We will be here to read, to support.
I used to get panic attacks in college. It totally sucks, I know. I’d go to the doctor and get something to relax! At this crucial time, you need your head on straight. Hugs!
Oh honey…I am so sorry you are going through these tough times. I am glad that you trust us enough as a community to share this with us. If we can help tell us how and we will. {{squish}}
Hang in there. We all have the same worries. “How can I afford another class? Are you sure you want to do Karate?” I hate HATE talking about it infront of my kids. But it comes out. And. Don’t get me started on the …. omg, Im this-age and what have I done. Gesssh. Hello. Panic attack.
Thinking about you…though it sounds like you are in the same place so many of us are now. I feel like this daily also..Praying for you. Love you. Let me know what I can do for you…if you need anything, ANYTHING. I mean it.
Hugs. They’re not a solution, but they help.
Oh babe, trust me I have the exact same worries. Hang in there, you’ll get through it.
And I agree with Huckdoll try to focus on what you have and be grateful for them. I know it’s easier said than done but it helps…a lot.
Go to the Doctor. Get that gall bladder checked out.
Sending big hugs from Ohio…it won’t make the worries or health issues subside, but please know you’re not going through this alone.
Oh hon, I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but because I’m going through something similar myself, I can only cross my fingers that it’ll soon get better. Body-wise, feelings, anything. I just hope it starts feeling better soon.
Hugs!
Oh dear. And just when I was considering adjusting (read: increasing) my zoloft! As all the prior comments indicate, we are all right there. With you. Irritable, troubled, just barely hanging on. Because this shit is hard. Being in charge, being grown ups is hard. Needing to catch a break is hard. But…hang in there. For what it’s worth, this too shall pass.
Melissa, I’m so glad I found your blog again. And I’m glad you found me on Facebook! I’m going to send you a note on Facebook about this post but I wanted to say that Huckdoll’s suggestions are very wise and real.
Mel, we’ve all felt what you’re feeling at some point in our lives. It seems as though there’s always something going on that will either destroy us or make us stronger. I choose to make whatever crappy stuff goes on to make me stronger and move on.
Right there in your home, while you’re taking care of being a wife, mom and homemaker – there are things you can do sitting there behind your PC to bring in more money to help pay the bills. Having a social blog such as this is great for having a community of people to talk to and surround you with loving thoughts and hugs. But social blogs don’t pay the bills. Money making blogs do – blogs that are written with search engine traffic in mind. You can do it. If I can do it, so can you and anyone else who wants to bring in a bit more money to the bank account.
The stress and worry you’re experiencing about bills and wanting to give your children more ……..whatever that is…… may very well be what’s causing you to hyperventilate or have panic attacks. You have to decide what your priority is, what your passion is, and make some decisions about what you want to do with your time to alleviate your stress and worries.
Oh honey. Been there, in my own way, done that. It sucks, so hard. I wish I could magically fix it all.
I’m here, any time. Love you!
I want to say something hopeful and helpful, but this is just a mirror reflection of my life and I can’t catch breath or think of what to say. I feel so hopeless. I can’t even find a job, even if I was better enough to take one on. I keep dodging the money issue daily, but I have begun to think about filing bankruptcy. But how will that help me in the future, when we still don’t bring in enough to make it each month?
This shouldn’t be a comment about me. But know that you are not alone. There has got to be a way to fix this. And when I think of it at 4am, you will be the first I tell.
I just wanted you to know that I worry just as much as you, if not more. The worry I have consumes me, all the time. I worry about my kids and it’s not healthy at all. I wish I could be like other moms who don’t have these worries and fears but I can’t help it. I’m a constant worrier. When I am not worrying about my kids, I worry about myself and my health and I am too scared even to go to the doctors because if I don’t go, I can’t be diagnosed with anything, you know? I never used to have that fear, but now, I’m even too scared to go to the doctors. I can’t breathe, either, I have pains everywhere, I feel things I worry about, I have the night because that’s when I worry the most. And we have so much debt, it’s insane. And I have a terribly spending habit. I wish I could say something to help you but I can’t… because if I knew how to make all the worry go away, I would. I think we are just in tune with reality, in a way. That’s the scary truth. I don’t live like others who think ‘that won’t happen to me’, I think more along the lines of: ‘why wouldn’t that happen to me?’ And my fear of flying… sheesh… trainwreck, hello! Sorry Melissa! Let’s just try to worry less. My mom told me to ‘thought-stop’. When a bad or scary thought enters your head, just stop it dead in its tracks. As hard as that might be… it sometimes works. xo
Hi-I found your site today through LinkReferral. What a post…I am sure many moms can relate to this. In fact I know they can because I can personally and I know other moms as well. I think you are right in that anxiety leads to panic and it’s a viscious cycle. When my kids were very young (they are teens now) I was terrible about being obsessed about my health. It was awful but I think it’s just one variation of anxiety/depression. My doctor at the time (10+ years ago) gave me Celexa, it totally cured me. Last year, it re-appeared more in the form of traditional depression. Same issues, different way of showing it’s face. This time I tried acupuncture, wanting to avoid anti-depressants, and the acupuncture was amazing, it was like a miracle. I guess what I am rambling on about is, a.) don’t feel alone. I promise you are not. b.) there are ways to get some outside help-both with medication and without.
Like many others, I can so relate to this. I believe you have struck a major chord here with this one. The thing that gets me the most is that hubby can simply cruise on through without having even the smallest blip on his radar about our sucky, sucky finances. I’m over here screaming uncle and fielding calls from creditors, and he’s watching the friggin’ Lakers.
What-ev-er.
Sorry — this was supposed to be supportive to you. {{{hugs}}} What I meant to say is I get it. Looks like we’re all in this together.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lost. I wish for you some peace and happiness.If you need someone to talk to, you can call me anytime.
I don’t know what I can add to all the comments you’ve already received except to say you are not alone. Some of it might be turning 40. Some of it is this horrible economy here in Michigan. The rest, only you can know. But you are not alone. We, too, are balancing on a teeny, tiny raft hoping a big wave doesn’t take us out before we get to shore. Take care of yourself in all ways and give credit to yourself for what you have accomplished.
Isn’t it crazy how we feel all alone in our worries and freak outs? I only wish moms/women would speak openly about it more often because it’s obviously something many of us deal with. I ready your post and felt as though I could have wrote it…right down to that between the rib part. This is my first time here, but it’s clear you are surrounded with loving and supportive friends and a wonderful family. Hugs to you!
Sending you tons of love and hugs.
You are far from alone. I promise you that. We are all right there with you. Whenever you need, we are here.
hun….my cancer battle pales in comparison to my anxiety issues. which, by the way, i had long before cancer ever struck. however…obviously the cancer doesnt help the panic/anxiety. i would never say that nothing is wrong. always get medical follow up if you think something is wrong. HOWEVER….chances are…its just anxiety. but dont let that fool you either. anxiety is a major health issue. its not cancer; but it completely wreaks havoc on your body in other ways. call me anytime to discuss. im the queen bee of anxiety and panic disorder! and oh yeah…breathe out!
p.s. you have accomplished SOOOOO many things! OMG…from the girl i met in gym class to the woman you are today?!? !puh-leeeze! you should be very proud of yourself! you deserve the praise!!!!
i always wonder what it is that people feel like they have to “accomplish” or contribute to the world. isnt it enough to just BE and LIVE and if youre a good person, you already are contributing to the good of society?! family. happiness. love. friends. THAT is the most important “accomplishment” anybody can hope to achieve. if you have that; which you do, you ARE indeed very rich. in more important ways than paper.
Hang in there. I worry about one thing a LOT consistently and that is money. We do “fine” but my husband works I swear 60 plus hours a week on building his business and I work part-time and sometimes it’s just exhausting! His business had a very slow week last week and it’s very stressful the up and down.
Sounds like you need a getaway, a break…take care of yourself first. I know it’s hard not to worry. I am a closet chronic worrier girl!