We all have to participate in certain situations where we’d rather suck the jowls of a rabid bulldog. Throughout our lives. Whether it be going to school or going to a dinner party.
Sometimes we would just rather have a temper tantrum and hide under the covers.
Been there. Done that. Not the jowl sucking because that is gross. No, I’ve had my share of temper tantrums throughout my life, both as a kid and as an adult. I know you’re shocked, right?!
But how do you explain that to a child? That the world is bigger and includes more people than just themselves?
And life doesn’t revolve around them and what THEY want. Not all the time, anyway.
It’s no secret that my oldest son doesn’t feel comfortable with my in-laws. Due to various circumstances throughout our 7 years of in-law-ship, my son just kind of gave up. Perhaps it was a mutual thing. But sometimes we have to do things as a family. Out of respect to my husband, my son’s step father. Out of respect to my step kids, who he considers to be his siblings and clearly loves almost as much as he does his biological siblings. Sometimes he has an obligation to make an appearance at family functions. Regardless of how strong his desire is to find a jet-pack and fly the hell out of Dodge.
But, he doesn’t get that. He just gets that HE doesn’t want to go there. And why does he have to if HE doesn’t want to.
I tell him that sometimes we are all expected to do something we don’t want to do. And within reason, we should do EXACTLY that. Again, within reason.
Sometimes we need to step up to the plate and do what is expected of us instead of locking ourselves in the bathroom with an iPod and a book.
Smile. Fake it. For appearances sake.
I try to explain the concept of making the best out of a situation. You know, making good from what you consider to be bad. And maybe, just maybe, the dreaded event might become one happy memory.
Yet, he refuses.
He does this for many things.
School.
Family get-togethers.
Basically anything that, if it isn’t his idea, he doesn’t think he should have to do it. At almost 14 years old, he still crosses his arms over his chest and firmly plants his feet on the ground, and as darling and as sweet as he is, he becomes the very essence of a petulant child.
I’ve given up forcing him to be a part of the family during certain events, like birthday parties of step cousins and step grandparents.
Because I have taken the inconsistent, lazy parenting approach by not wanting to listen to his tantrums and rants.
But he is almost 14. And he needs to grow up.
So what do I do? How do I force him to partake in family events with a family that he doesn’t want to be a part of. Although really, I’m not sure how missed he is when he isn’t there, except by me.
Or should I even bother?
Wow, that’s a hard one. I’ve been in a similar situation as your son – kind of. Except I was 18 when my parents split up and my dad moved in with my stepmom, so I never lived with the two of them. But I well remember going to ‘family’ get-togethers at holidays and other occasions and feeling, basically out of place since it wasn’t ‘my’ family and my brother and I were only peripherally included. On the other hand, my husband has two half-siblings who are as close to his dad (their step-dad)’s family as if it were their own, but they grew up with their step-dad from a young age.
Have you talked to your inlaws about what they think? I do think maybe letting him out of some obligations might be ok (especially since he’s older), but also agree that he should go to at least some out of respect for his step-father and step-siblings if nothing else. Then again, 14 is a hard age to convince to do anything they don’t want to, I would think. Ugh, I’m really no help here – but wishing you well with whatever you decide is best for your family. And sending lots of hugs your way… 🙂
Honestly? With the way they treat him, he should say “screw it.”
The reality is, this is probably only the beginning of “things my son won’t join us for without a fight.” He’s a teenager. Teenagers rebel. He’s old enough to know they probably don’t want him there and he can think of better ways to spend his time.
When we’re teens, we can totally get away with that stuff. In the realm of your in laws, I say cave.
Let him know you are letting him “win” that one. It’s a compromise. He has to go to school, other family events are non-negotiable but he doesn’t have to go to the in-laws.
I’m torn on this one too. I’d say if he had at least an indifferent relationship with the stepgrans, I’d get him to go, but considering how twisted these people are, maybe not so much now.
He is 14. If it’s something that is important to Hubs, then sure. but otherwise his refusal to go is not completely bad. He’s lived with the rejection for 7 years, perhaps it’s time for him to follow suit.
School is a must, your family events yes, these other ones… yeah, I’d let him off the hook.
I,as his grandmother, feel that he should go. To my favorite, eldest grand- child, at times we must do things that we hate to do, but just bear it. He is doing this for his whole family, not the other side. If the mother remembers, she was made to do things she did not want to do, and survived. Even now ,we all do things that we resent,but suffer through them.
Life is not simple, and he needs to learn that he has to accept others, even if he doesn’t want to.
Id let him off the hook. When it comes to parenting, Im all about choosing your battle. And this is one that should be let go. There are more important things coming up that you will need the strength and energy for.
I have no idea what to offer but I am offering hugs. That is a tough one. I really feel for him, especially with how your “family” can be. Big hugs, my dear.
When you figure this out post it bc my husband acts like this and it is driving me freakin nuts!
We are starting to have this battle with our son. He tends to only think of himself sometimes. Unfortunately being the first grandchild on one side of the family, has lead him to be slightly spoiled. He often does not see that what he is doing hurts others. He tends to be more whiny then tantrum. Let me know if you find the magic parenting tip… I could use it too.
Blended families are a mess – I know because I have one. Luckily I don’t deal with any step-anythings except my step-dad, step-mom, and two adult step-sisters. And I don’t DEAL with them because luckily now that I’m an adult I enjoy having them as part of my family. If his step-grands are unpleasant and make him feel unwelcome then I’d say let him stay home. He’s a teenager. Teens are jerks. You aren’t being lazy. You are dealing with it by giving in, in a way. Everyone is happier if he stays home. Well, maybe not you… but the mom always suffers.
This is my idea…if he doesn’t want to go, he needs to call the person and explain TO THEM…WHY he doesn’t want to go. And to be truthful. It should be interesting for him to have to explain, and equally as interesting for the other side to hear the reason WHY!
I like Lori’s idea. But I really don’t blame him for not wanting to go. Those people have been hideous to all of you.