They have been ricocheting about in my mind. Words. Whispering at first. Then picking up in volume. Until I could finally understand what they were saying.
I mimed those words at first. My mouth barely moving, breath tickling my lips. Then finally, I said what I had been thinking. OUT LOUD. In the dark.
“I want to stop blogging.” I said. My husband my audience.
He shifted in the bed. “No you don’t!” He responded confidently.
“Yes.” I said. “I really do. It’s becoming too much. It’s becoming a burden and chore.” I lay there, facing the ceiling.
“No. You don’t. You know what, write a post telling me why you want to quit blogging and I’ll read it tomorrow.” He said, turned onto his side, back facing me, and started breathing evenly.
I couldn’t sleep. My thoughts weighing heavily on my mind, making the mattress seem uneven and lumpy.
Tossing and turning, I thought about blogging. Why I wanted to quit. I didn’t start blogging for the numbers, only the letters.
But the numbers became too important. And the frustration and disappointment crept in. Which gave way to something that resembles boredom except it is a mask for fear. A fear of failure.
And then I read this post by Diana Prichard. And I said a-fucking-ha. It’s not just me.
I’m not the only person who stands at my personal crossroad, scratching my head, sure that whichever path I take is the wrong one. The one that won’t keep me engaged or excited for very long. Sure that whichever path I chose, I will eventually do something wrong and fail.
Like blogging.
But really…
Like writing.
I love writing. I want to write. I am starting to feel a strong need to write. There are stories in my mind that need a breath…life given to them.
But the keeper of the words. She finds other things to do. Instead of freeing the captives.
They stay locked up.
Because the ones that have escaped and found homes in stories. Good stories.
Have been rejected.
And rejection, as lighthearted as I claim to have taken it, is not good when one is fueled by a small fear of a fire called failure.
I’m projecting. That’s what it is. I’m taking my fear to start writing, now that my kids are in school and I have time, and blaming it on my blog. Because if I don’t have my blog, that frees up more time during the day. Time that I can waste pretending to clean my house. Time that I can waste starting at my notepad, because that’s how I write, with a pen and paper. More time to spend not doing anything except worrying about not doing anything. And failing at it.
So no. I guess in the end, I don’t want to quit blogging. I want to start writing. I guess my husband was right after all.
I want more from my blog, remember when I said that? But it’s not really my blog I want more from.
I want more from me.
But that’s kind of a frightening statement.
Because what if…
I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I go through this every few months with my blog. But you are too wise to see through those initial desires to quit. Good for you. I hope that you’ll continue to write. Wherever it may be. Here or on that paper.
Without risk there is no failure, true. But there is also no growth, no reward.
You’re excellent at being real, at being transparent. So go there. Take the risk of living that dream. If you’re nervous about posting things, have someone read them first. I’ll happily volunteer!
There’s a reason we read you. And that reason has everything to do with how we respond to your voice, rather than because of some faux popularity or how many others do it. That’s not real. But you are. And so are your words.
There was a time when I disappeared from my blog. I was lucky that I’d made blog friends that I could pick up with again when I returned. I think I’ve got a lot more perspective on the whole thing now anyway.
As teacher mommy says, there’s a reason we read you: we love you!
IYou are making real changes, saying important things and seeing a difference.
Remember too that every famous author was rejected many times before being published. Keep trying, you have fabulous stories.
I think we can all get caught up in the stats counter from time to time so it’s a good thing to take a step back and realise why we all blog in the first place. Mine, I think like yours is for love of writing! Don’t stop because I love your stories! x
Everybody goes through this. I think half the reason is because we have no preparation – we were never schooled in blogging and what it is and what it means and how to do it and how to manage ourselves in a blogging environment.
We’re all out here trying to figure it out – one day, one post at a time. Just keep on keepin’ on. One day, one post at a time.
I’ve been there so many times. I’m glad you decided not to give up yours!
Well, I think it’s so fun and refreshing to read a blog that is SO real. And I think that could easily translate to other mediums. Keep it up, I love reading your stuff and keeping up with you and your family. No matter what, you’ve made a difference in others with what you do. And that is a very good thing. It’s hard, though, I stopped my old blog for similar reasons but started the new one with a new focus for the purpose of cleansing myself. You have to do what’s right for you, bottom line. XO
Sometimes I think about quitting too. Like quitting the community, no more reading, comments, etc. because I feel like I can’t keep up & it’s overwhelming.
Take that fear and smack the shit out of it! Seriously! As Tara said, EVERY writer gets rejected countless times. You have to learn to say “Oh well!” and find another publisher/magazine/whatever to send your stuff to.
Chin up! Don’t give up! xoxo
Your blog is awesome! You tell stories, you share truths, you help others. Use your blogs as inspiration for your notepad writing & your notepad writing for blog fodder. That way you have 2 perspectives on your own & you always have us to read anything you want to share! And you have our opinions, too! Your talent goes much further than online & we are here to cheer you on! XOXOX
And truthfully, what do you have to lose (beyond a bruised ego)? What’s the point of a life without a little risk?
I’ve just read Jennifer’s (@playgroupie) post about feeling invisible in the blogging and Twittering world. Lately i’ve been feeling that way too.=(
There were about 80 comments on that post, they more or else told her that they sometimes they feel invisible too so I guess it’s not just me. And it’s normal to feel that way. She also asked what if she closed her blog or totally quit Twitter would anyone notice? And judging by the number of people who responded…she will be missed.
I guess what I’m saying is, if you do decide to throw in your blogging towel, I will miss you…terribly. So please don’t…ever.
Wubs you lots!
I’m at the exact point you are. But you? You have a TON going for you. You can do this.
I know you can, I know you have the talent, the drive, the voice. Keep going, honey, please keep going. I may not always comment, but I am always reading & cheering you on!
I often look at you as a role model. I love your blog and what you do with it. But if you are feeling overwhelmed by the numbers….forget about the numbers (I know, easier said than done). And if nothing else, you should blog about what you want to blog about, not what you think others want to read, not what will get the most hits….just blog from your heart. Those are always the best posts.
xoxo
Do not scare me like that!! Do not stop blogging. It is a great thing to continue especially because you love to write. But do not do it for any other reason other than you love to blog and write…do not care about the numbers. Enjoy it. As a side note, I think many of us bloggers have wanted to quit at one point or another but for the most part, we keep on going!!
I finished a handful of chapters in my book and then…ran out of time. Except, quitting my blog wouldn’t help, I’d have to quit life in general. You just gotta jump, feet first and don’t look down. Just do it!
I can’t wait to see your thoughts on paper.
*Hugs*
I think keeping my blog stats a secret from myself is the best decision I have ever made. I would obsess. OBSESS.
But I don’t know and I don’t care.
Get writing, lady! I can’t wait to read the words you have all bottled up waiting to escape through your pen!