I just read Miss Britt‘s blog, which is rapidly becoming my favorite. I read a couple of her posts. But I stopped at one called Ugly. I read every word. And it resonated. Particularly a part where she spoke of finding her naked body unattractive. I just discovered her, by the way. If you haven’t yet, do. Truly.
I hate my body. Despise it in it’s entirety. I don’t feel there is a single redeeming quality from my chin down. And I’m not saying this in a fishing for compliments type way. I’m just flat out telling you from my heart.
I’m embarrassed by my body. I don’t feel like it’s ugliness should belong to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve it? Well…aside from quitting any workout regime. But I feel that I was given a pretty face and as a joke, a very unattractive naked body. I’m the complete opposite of that stupid teenage-boy saying of my day…”body by fisher, face by mistake.”
My stomach. I should love it and all its jiggly splendor. It was home to my three beautiful children and kept them each safe for 9 months. But no. I think back to my smooth tummy, pre-stretch marks. The tight skin. I used to have kick ass abs. No matter how chunky I got, my stomach was always beautiful. I actually had a physical attribute I was proud of. Truly. Until my first born started living in there. And I ate my way up the scale 90 pounds in 40 weeks. It was quite a feat. Few can claim an accomplishment such as that. I was never able to achieve such heights with my two other pregnancies. Although, I didn’t quite try.
The rest of my body. I can’t look at it.
I won’t stand naked in front of a mirror.
And I won’t let my husband see me naked.
I’m ashamed of me.
I’m afraid that, if I find my body to be a monstrosity, then so will my husband.
I’m afraid that I will repulse him, and he won’t love me any more.
Because if I don’t love my body in all of it’s nakedness.
Then how can he?
Being naked.
With all my dimples and craters.
With all my sags and dips.
And now, with age becoming a factor.
Which causes things to go when no things should go…
I hide my body in shame.
At night, we keep the lights out when we make love.
Because I’m so insecure about my body.
I refuse to ever be in a position of vulnerability.
And as long as I feel like no one knows about the ugliness that hides under my clothing.
And as long as I feel like my secret is safe, cloaked in darkness.
Then I’m OK, masked in a false sense of security.
But, I do worry.
About being exposed.
Oh good you received my email about Self-Flagellation Day. Head over to my blog, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
…Kidding aside though, we all have our fugly days and it’s okay to feel and acknowledge that. Today though I will post the things I LOVE about myself so I’m expecting the same thing from you. Hugs to you my lovely one!
As we all get older things head south! I feel your true beauty comes from within…the way you write your blogs, it’s a beautiful thing! Keep it up! I’m still learning. 🙂
I read an article about lovemaking once. It said that passion can be squelched because people tend to be a “spectator” when having sex. Which means instead of enjoying it, you imagine what you look like and fret if your belly is hanging or your thighs are squishy or your but in giggling and think in fear of what your naked body looks like to your lover.
And the book said you have to stop it, immediately. And the way to stop it?
To remember that your lover absolutely is NOT looking at your body the way you are or thinking anything near what you are thinking. The book said what they are thinking is that they can’t believe they got this beautiful woman in bed with them and that this beautiful woman is actually LETTING him have sex with her.
True.
I have asked several men that question since reading it.
And every single one of them, including my husband….said it is true.
Not you, too?
Having met you face-to-face (although you were fully clothed), you have nothing to worry about. What’s more, haven’t you realized that your husband loves you for much, much more than the packaging?
Your rant is equivalent to a child’s favorite birthday present bemoaning the fact that it doesn’t have the same shiny, wrinkle-free wrapping paper it once wore. Sure, the paper has been torn and set aside, but the joy for the gift remains.
The value comes from within. As does yours.
I can relate to all of this.
I told a friend once that I could never have an affair, because I couldn’t stand the idea of someone new seeing me naked. It’s bad enough with someone I’ve been with for so long. I totally relate to this.
I hate my body too. I feel really jiggly and gross. Even my skin is bothering me right now. My skin is too dry AND I’m breaking out. I look crazy and puffy. I need to lose weight. I’m trying but it isn’t coming off fast enough. 🙁 At least your face is pretty. Mine? Not so much.
I don’t know who your buddy “Todd” is up there but what a GREAT analogy.
I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, through thick and thin…uh physically speaking. It took me a LONG damn time for me to realize that he really honestly and truely doesn’t care what I look like naked. To him naked = get some. Men are simple like that. 😉
I can relate, what happened to my perky boobs? My tight flesh? Waaa
I try to focus on parts of my body that I DO like and emphasize those parts.
men will never understand the way we flagellate ourselves. When we are younger, at least youth was on our side and age and childbearing had not yet distorted our bodies.
I hate that we hate our bodies but I really don’t know what the answer is. Some blame the media and maybe to some extent it contributes. But I think it begins when we first realize the power and allure of being a woman. We mourn that loss of power as we get older.
Know that you are not alone but also know this…your husband would rather have your body naked and against him instead of perfect but unavailable. To him, you are beautiful and sexy!
This makes me want to hug you. I could say all the right words, reassure you that you’re beautiful, but I know that it won’t matter, because that knowledge has to come from inside you. Just know that many, MANY people, male and female, can relate to this, and are not comfortable in thier skin as is.
You are a talented writer, from what I can a great mom and wife, and personality and heart overcome ANY exterior. Beautiful people become ugly when you realize the brittle emptiness within, plain people simply SHINE when you learn of the generosity, kindness and love flowing from them. A broad generalization, but so very true.
So, a big squishy imperfect hug to you, my bloggy friend.
Oh Melissa I don’t know what to say to this except to tell you the woman I cut a rug with at BlogHer was beautiful and healthy and fit and a terrific dancer. I just wish you could see that too…
Oh sweetie! We all feel like that a lot of the time. But you are beautiful, inside & out! Your body bore your hubby gorgeous children that no one else could have. It’s very hard to love our naked bodies but that is not what makes you the wonderful person you are. But I believe what Lizz said: Naked=Get some to men!
Ugh! I hate my body too. I hate that our stupid shower has a glass door and I can so clearly see my dimply ass and pudgy bell in all its “glory” in the vanity mirror. My husband? He doesn’t seem to mind and says I’m beautiful anyway. But I hate it. I’m just not motivated enough to do what it takes to change it, and I think I hate that even more!
I am with you on that. I am below my pre-pregnancy weight and am now way to skinny. How can my husband want to see a bag of bones? I think it goes with being a woman. We all are so insecure. The media plays a role, but I am thin and hate it because I am too thin and my belly isn’t tight after two kids. I always had a great stomach and @ss. Not so much anymore. My stomach isn’t tight and defined and gravity is sagging my booty. I am not even 30 so I really hate to see what the future holds. Thanks for letting me vent here.
I look at pics on other peoples blogs and facebook of them exposing certain areas that I never would, especially in a bathing suit and wish I was that comfortable with myself. It is all so stupid, really!
I think most women can relate to this post. I struggle all the time to keep the weight at bay and to fight the onset of aging. Do we need to stop judging our bodies, marked by motherhood and the test of time, by the standards of airbrushed, plastic surgery Hollywood? Yes, we do. I have a few friends, my age, who still have their bikini bodies. It pisses me off. I feel ashamed of myself for being so petty.
You know, I never do this – but I think maybe we BOTH need to read this:
http://miss-britt.com/2008/02/a-letter-to-my-body/
I know how you feel. I don’t like my body either. I gained a lot of weight in my early 20’s and despite working out 3-4 times a week and watching what I eat, I’m still over 200 lbs. It makes me want to cry.
But do you know what makes me feel better? Showing myself to my husband. He hoots and hollers and kisses and caresses and tells me how amazingly beautiful I am every time I’m naked around him. He showers me with adoration and for that short while I forget what I feel and I focus on how he’s making me feel.
Try it once and see if it does the same thing for you.
Lottifish, I know what you are going through too. I can practically starve myself & I still weigh over 200lbs. But hubby helps when he gets groping & making noises, too. We should all band together & roll over some little anorexic (but probably air-brushed) models! I love you girls!!!!!!!
ughhhhhhh… i understand this more than i care to admit.
Ok, first of all – I realize that compliments don’t cure body hangups, but you are lovely! When I met you, in line for the Nikon Night Out, I remember thinking: “wow, look at her, she is so edgy and fabulous! And so slim! I bet she thinks I’m a total lard ass.” No shit. And then you talked to me, and you were super-nice, and funny, and I started wondering if you had any bad sides whatsoever.
I would be tempted to ask you how in the world can you not see how great you look, but I know that the way we look doesn’t have much to do with the way we see ourselves.
But I can tell you that you are beautiful, fun, have great style and I adore you. And that I wish I lived closer (at least on your side of the pond!) so I could tell you this ab nauseam until you believe it too. because it’s true! Hugs.