The big guy, sometimes referred to as the King, oftentimes has testosterone-fests in the palace dining hall called games of ye olde poker.
He invites other kings from neighboring kingdoms to join him in this good-natured, somewhat competitive event.
The king never really finds the need to get a firm yes from the Queen because, well, he knows she doesn’t completely approve. And she loves giving him a hard time about it. Because really, she doesn’t love these events to take place at her home.
It’s not that she doesn’t approve of…
the actual card game. She is ok with that.
Or, the fact that the other kings are noisy and obnoxious until the wee hours of the morning, oblivious and impervious to the fact that there are princes and princesses running amok throughout the corridors, spying upon the game players. Unable to settle down because of all the excitement of their father having a boisterous card game.
She’s OK with the fact that the big guy and his little friends all drink mega tons of bubbly libations.
She’s even OK that there is generally a bazillion returnables lined up on the counter next to the sink the following morning.
She wishes that they wouldn’t smoke those big, fat, grotesque smelling cigars around the outside of the castle. Because, like a fart, the stench follows them everywhere they go. EVEN when they come inside the castle after smoking outside. And the Queen thinks she’d almost rather smell a fart than cigar odor.
But, if you remember this post, and yes you should just go and refresh your memory. I’ll have a big glass of water and perhaps some hot tamales while I wait.
Back? OK…the story shall commence…
The King had a friendly little game of poker tonight. And all the regular kings, kings men and serfs were there (including the Queens ex-husband). Drinking beer. Smoking cigars. Being loud. And testosterone-like.
AND…
That childhood friend from the linked post. The one that the Queen had to have a talk with the King about. Yeah. He was back. And up to his usual shenanigans. Only, this time…worse.
You see, the Queen and her big feller King had a couple of friends and their kids over for dinner before this blessed event of a poker game. So, not only were there the normal 5 children who lived in this particular castle, running rampant through the backyard and corridors of the castle. There were also 6 other visiting children. Running rampant through the backyard and corridors of the castle with them.
And that childhood pot sucking down friend was at the kingdom. With him, he brought not just a ton of pot but…
a stripping hooker. Well, the verdict is still out about the hooker part. But she is definitely a stripper. And a really exceptionally vile one, at that. The Queen wonders how it’s possible that any establishment would hire the ugly grossness that is sitting in her dining room. With her cheap sweat pants that say SEXY on the ass. And a pitiful excuse for a halter top, spray painted with a more attractive likeness of herself. Two for one scary. *shudders*
Every single one of the children who were running rampant throughout the backyard and corridors stopped and stared in wonderment as she walked from her car into the castle. Why was there only one woman invited and playing poker, amongst all men? Why did the kings childhood friend bring such a disgusting creature with him to the game at the castle? Where in the HELL did he meet her? And WHAT is flying around her crotch?
And does his wife know? Does she have any clue?
Because this unsavory character, sitting amongst all men, which she was so obviously used to doing…
When someone mentioned the name of the wife, she had no clue that he was even married.
And the Queen took the King aside. And the Queen said very nicely and ladylike in volume to her big guy…
that this is never to happen again. That stripping hooker is not welcome back. Besides, she smelled like old woman vagina and seriously stunk up the room she sat in.
And that friend is never allowed back. Between smoking pot on the front lawn for the entire neighborhood to see. And subjecting us to hookers.
He is no longer welcome in this castle.
Later, after the 6 other children and their mothers left, the Queen herded her own children upstairs to their bedchambers.
She got them all settled down and in bed.
And she went into her own mecca of love room and shut the door, drowning out the poker game noises and stenches.
The Queen thought about the evening and her husbands friend and his actions.
She wondered how or if she should mention this to her friend, his wife.
And the Queen. She sighed. Sadly. And deeply.
Oh Melissa, the things you put up with. I seriously would have gone mental over this. But I guess that’s why you’re the Queen and I’m not. I think you should for sure tell the friend, the wife of the douche bag.. but that’s your call. Seriously, while reading this I just wanted to punch that guy in the mouth.
All hail the Queen.
That is the worst example of disrespect toward you and your family. I hope you never see either of them again. Wow… I just can’t imagine someone doing that at someone else’s home.
We at the satellite kingdom have discussed this issue and think that you probably should not tell the wife of the pothead. You might also tell the pothead that if he is out and about with the load of “medicinal marijuana” and he gets stopped for speeding, a tail light being out, or some such, he will be put away for a long time. His kids and his wife will be humiliated.
Us
WTH?
He’s ASKING to get caught or something? You can’t parade around with an ugly stripper and not expect it to slip out.
D000000000d. I hope the airbrushed decorated, nasty coochie smelling, ho bag was worth it.
WOW. I am SO mad and upset for you! I cannot believe the way the king disrespected YOU after the warning that ‘dirtbag’ wasn’t allowed back in the first place.
I would have turned him away at the door. Seriously. Especially with the hoe with him. If he gave me ANY trouble. or even maybe instead of even opening the door, I would have called the cops. YOU are the queen, it’s your castle, the king obviously doesnt respect that, so you need to enforce that.
But anyway, as for the wife. I would tell her. Better yet I would have gotten photo evidence and mailed it. Imagine if it was the king coming home after ‘being’ with that… ewwww. Wouldn’t you want to know so you can run as fast and as far away as possible? I would. His poor kids have a terrible roll model. I don’t care what anybody says, from experience, NO dad is better than a shitty Dad like that guy.
I can’t imagine how you feel. Hurt, violated. I can understand. Your not the neighborhood crack house, king shouldnt have allowed his guests to treat it as such.
((hugs)) I am so sorry! Tweet me if I can help you feel better! @erinjeany
That’s disgusting! And he’s married? WTF man.
Oh wow wow wow. That is revolting. And I would be the most mad at the King. I would have no way let them in the house and I would absolutely tell his wife. He obviously has no regard to her, or her reputation if he is parading her around and it seems not at all worried about getting caught. I would feel a responsibility to tell her, who knows what vile std’s he may be bringing home to her.
Ick ick ick. You put up with a lot (coming from someone where casinos are nearby so when poker “needs” to be played, men head there thankfully) as I think a few have said. The silver lining of being able to have some “good” stories come out of it isn’t quite enough when the hooker and the pot head are around. Shame on the King for letting it go, especially with all the children around. I hope we don’t hear about a repeat!
It is not the end of the world; it is a card game. My friend should not bring a stripper to the game and he should not be smoking pot where kids could possibly be. By the way, next Saturday, my house, big game: Bring Your Friends!!!!!
Wink-Wink….
The King
Hell to the NO! The WEED and the HO got to GO!
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
It would just be cruel to tell his wife. And for what purpose? Oh Kingee, why are you letting that go on? What an example for 5 kids, 5 cats and a dog. And for the Queen. Close down the gaming tables. Hope the feds don’t read your blog.
I think the king just invited me over to play poker.
But I’m anti-ho.
I guess Michigan is just crawling with hoes huh? (haha!)
“Leave yo ho at the doe.”
LOL After reading your tweets I had to come back over here and read the comments! Hilarious!!!! Not the post…the comments. I say not tell the friend or maybe do. Either way I’m sure she’ll find especially if stripper girl possibly gives pothead something other than a dance. Happy Sunday!
Ugh! That is just awful. And super extra smelly to boot. Not cool!
Holy hell! I think you handled that much more calmly–and ladylike–than I would have. Did the King give you a hard time about this “friend” not being welcome back?
what an ass….i hope the King will adhere to your RULES for the next game.
Ugh, I’m glad there are no poker games in this house. Or old woman vagina smell (you never cease to crack me up!)
What a predicament; I wonder if his wife may already know about the pot, anyway (maybe not so much about the stripper/hooker… I mean, WTF?
This sounds like cause for a good old fashion beheading.
I agree with Miss Britt! Beheading is suitable punishment for this evil deed. You should not have been disrespected in your own castle! The childhood pot-smoking fiend (not misspelled!) should not have been allowed inside your castle & to add insult to injury, he brings a stripper/hooker. The king better think long & hard about the kind of company he keeps, if not for you, than for the sake of the royal children! And now you also have to burn everything that the “unsavory character” came in contact with…UGH! Maybe call the Orkin man!
And by the way, seeing that the king is inviting everyone to the big card game, maybe we should all show up! I know I can’t be too far from you! MUHAHAHA!
The visual of this woman…I must go bleach my eyeballs now. WTH was he thinking…probably the same thing he was thinking when he was in the front yard.
OK, I almost snorted at that part about what was flying around her crotch.
EW! I hope the King laid down the law and the ho and her pimp won’t make another appearance.