I’m a stay at home mom. It’s the role that I CHOSE to take. I’m lucky that I was allowed to. From both my marriages. It was a unanimous decision on my part and whichever fill in the blank husband I had at the time. OK, that sounds bad, seeing as, I’ve only been married twice and I’m still married to the second. But, carry on then.
Recently, I started working a few hours per week at my dad’s office. Really, it’s nothing major. But I enjoy the few dollars I earn, which I’m able to pocket or use frivolously. Because truthfully, the couple of pennies I make a week, doesn’t help much with the bottom line. It just keeps me from using too much of it 🙂 So my husband embraces the fact that I can afford to pay for my own mani/pedis. Or take myself out for sushi with my friends. He is thankful that he doesn’t have to worry that our electric bill payment will bounce because I was having too much fun on company time.
Today though, I noticed something. And before I go ahead and tell you about my mini-epiphany, I want to clarify something. I’m not getting involved in the whole SAHM and the mommy’s in the work force. Because, quite frankly, that’s an entirely different thing. Which, I have a HUGE opinion about. Not here though. This…is about me and my little 3000 square foot kingdom and it’s inhabitants.
I work with some women who work full time. They are also, full time moms.
I was eavesdropping on my dad’s secretary as she was talking to her son on the phone. Explaining to him that he should get himself a bowl of cereal and then take whatever dosage of Motrin, for his headache he claimed to have. I could hear his Charlie Brownesque part of the conversation. But her answers were matter of fact and with no doubt, she knew her son would be able to competently take care of himself, until she returned home that evening.
Which got me to thinking. Seriously, my thinking isn’t a very good thing. We know this about me, right?!
I have 5 kids, right?! Well, these five kids have been used to me being home. Some of them, for their WHOLE lives. The other two, for the last 8 years, almost their whole lives. They…are so NOT self-sufficient. Not a single one. Quite useless, actually. Cute though.
My working counterparts, their children know how to make themselves meals.
My kids, they sit and wait to be served. They can’t even get a plate and silverware.
My working counterparts, their children know how to entertain themselves.
My kids, they sit and wait for me to get home. Then they whine about being bored and hungry.
I could go on and on. And I know that a lot of it is me and my mothering. These kids have been overindulged for their whole lives. Heck, I still wipe my 5 1/2 year old sons butt after he poops. Don’t stare, it’s not polite.
My kids tell me to jump. And after I shout profanities at them for expecting me to do their bidding. I go ahead and do their bidding. But…I KNOW this about me. So do they. And they take advantage. I get mad. But do it anyway. A vicious cycle. The poor future spouses of my children, I’m so sorry!
I never noticed it, so blaringly obvious before. This is the first summer I worked, even those few piddly little hours, outside the home. And it’s also the first summer that not all my children went to camp. So it never truly mattered before.
But today, as I was working. I couldn’t help think to myself…
Damn, I’d better hurry and finish what needs to be done, or my two kids that are home…they might starve to death.
I kept looking at the time.
I ran home when everyone else left for lunch.
The two were still up in their rooms on their laptops. And the first thing they wanted to know was, what was I planning on making them for lunch. They were dying of starvation.
Seriously.
Sigh.
WOW! I am not alone and THANK YOU. My kids…can’t do anything..and I do mean ANYTHING. From getting a drink to picking up the towel in the bathroom..I do it all. It’s this way bc of me, and I know this, they are not to blame, I accept it all, but now..now I really wish I had made them more “able” bc really? Stopping what I am doing to get a 13 year old a glass of coke..so not me anymore 🙁
Oh Gawd, please let me teach my son how to be self sufficient and independent! PLEASE! Even if he DOES become a momma’s boy at the same time!
I know exactly what you mean. I was a SAHM when my oldest was little and went back into the office when my youngest was about 12. He was much better equipped to fend for himself than his sister was at his age. He is still a better cook than she is. Since she has been force to take care of herself at college, she is finally learning valuable lessons I should have taught her a long time ago, and ones I had to teach my son much earlier.
I had to laugh to myself when I read this and I am so happy to hear you say it’s because of you….really. Most parents gripe and moan and then say, “I don’t know how they got this way,” as they are picking up their 12 year olds dirty underwear. I had to chuckle though…and now go feed them so they don’t starve.
uhm sweetie WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS!!! although I still find myself doing a lot that you mentioned, there has to be some balance, you are going to drive yourself insane, take baby steps, start with one thing with the kids, I know it is hard because it is my instinct also to do EVERYTHING my children ask of me, and some things that they dont, but, you should see how proud of themselves they are when they do something for themselves, like make their bed, or fix their own cereal, or eggs, and dylan will also do this for the younger dean, they seem content when they do it their selves!! try one thing, it is empowering!! xoxo k
Dropping by from sits. Following your blog. The weekend is almost here. Yay! I hope you have a fun weekend planned.
Ms Cupcake.
Zen Cupcake
I have one child, who for the first 12 years of her life, knew me as a working mother. I have another child who, for the two years I have been her mother, knows me to be there, all the time for every need.
On one hand, I recall the heartbreak of reading bedtime stories over the phone to my oldest while working the night shift and staying on the line with her until she fell asleep with the phone tucked between the pillow and her ear. On the other hand, I recall the wonderful feeling of bringing home the bacon and being able to DO things with that bacon.
So, there is no perfect world. No matter what side of the fence, there are sacrifices and drawbacks as well as perks. I’m trying to get my youngest to be a little more independent in anticipation of preschool this fall.
My kids, they will absolutely make their own breakfast. Because this scary green avatar mom- hates mornings. (And for the first 9 years of my daughter’s life I worked nights and I’m sure I screwed up cold cereal in a sleep deprived haze, leading her to learn that morning is most certainly “fend for yourself time.”
When I was both working nights and from home during the day, my children acquired the skills of lunch. Because otherwise they’d have to wait until whiny artist of the day was done harassing mommy for lunch.
My children can’t seem to figure out where their dirty laundry goes, how to put away their clean laundry or clean up after themselves whatsoever. Because it wasn’t vital to their survival. (And mommy was too busy to take the time to instruct them to do so. )
hearing you!!!kids are hopeless…I wish they’d come out of our vajayjays ready to start doing stuff for themselves…lol.
ps. I also started working casually. And boy do I feel like an ex-con out of prison. nice to get away from the little monsters even for just a few hours. Plus the extra dollars I earn is enough to buy me that boots I’ve been eyeing for the longest time.
They’ll learn – it just takes time and a little nudging in the right direction. Karen’s right – start small and go from there. In no time they’ll be cooking gourmet meals for you every night and ironing clothes like pros!
OMG Mel, this is the stuff that’s in my head all the time!
When I went back to work after the boy was born (at 9 months)… and then he went to daycare, he was SCRAPING HIS PLATE on his own at 3. Cuz that’s what they taught him at daycare, that’s what you do after you finish your meal. But since I’ve been home since he was 4, barely knows where the garbage is.
When he wants a drink, it’s like “Hey Mom, can you pour me a juice, you know, since you’re up)… and I feel like a short-order cook as soon as I’m out of bed. The girlie is worse. They’re smart though… “well, uh, Mom, I might spill it or something”… now the girlie still asks to be wiped after the toilet, “for a special treat”. She’s 4, but still. Yeah, mommy needs a real treat.
It’s only happened because the years have flown by and every body has just gotten used to the routine… and yeah, because we let it happen. So at least we KNOW it’s happening, don’t know if that makes it better or worse!
OK, you know I love you but…you KNOW you’re not doing them any favors! And, their future wives/husbands are not gonna like you! lol