This post was inspired by a post over at my new friend Michelles blog, My Managed Chaoswho wrote a post about dieting.
It’s always been a struggle. My own personal cross to bear. We all have them, I know.
I’m a thin person, stuck in a fat persons body. Sometimes.
I’m a fat person, stuck in a thin persons body. Sometimes.
Up for three years.
Down for two years.
Up for one year.
Down for 6 months.
Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo.
Never able to just be. Never a happy medium.
I have no will-power.
Food. It’s not my friend. It’s a bitter enemy. Because I can’t enjoy it. I have internal, passionate struggles with every morsel of food that I put in my mouth. I shouldn’t. I should. Oh, what the hell, you’ve already eaten almost the whole thing. You might as well finish it off, pigface.
I beg to myself, in my head, to stop shoving those cheese-its into my mouth. My head talking. My hands and mouth…ignoring.
Some days, my stomach screaming to be fed. And the rest of me, ignoring it’s grumbles and growls. Only to break down and shovel. Like a closet eater. Only, in the open. Sitting with a box of cereal at the kitchen table. Proudly? Not so much.
Yes, I know. I should exercise. And I do. Sometimes.
Then I don’t. For a long time.
Then I do. Obsessively.
Like a tennis match. Back and forth.
I wrote a post called Getting My Sexy Back, back in May.
Both the weight and sexy, consistently inconsistent. The bane of my existence.
I want to own myself. Whichever part of the yo-yo I’m at.
It’s not even about self confidence anymore.
Because, I’m confident.
It’s not even about being sexy.
Because at this point, sexy doesn’t matter.
I want to find that balance between the up and down of the yo-yo.
That happy medium.
To be able to eat without regret. And doubt. And worry.
To find that nirvana with food.
Where it’s not a diet.
Or a way of life.
And then, I’ll worry about getting my sexy back.
I’m a horrible yo yo so I totally sympathize with your plight.
I have never found that happy medium, myself. Ever. Does it happen?
Still on that Yo Yo and I want to keep dropping!! I can work out everyday till I pass out, watch and count every calorie and fat gram, sleep a full 8 hours, drink 8 glasses of water….and still am stuck. Reading Jillian Michaels book…..thinking my hormones are out of whack, or something is missing. Gonna keep reading, but so far, a wealth of info! Gah, if only we lived closer.
I think my happy medium disappeared a long time before I found my now trying-to-be-happy 2XL! sigh…LOL
I can relate to so much about this post. Especially the Cheez-Its. I really need to stop buying Cheez-Its. And yet I came home with 2 boxes today. I never thought of myself as emotional eater, but I know now that it’s true. Gah! Damn you 20-something-metabolism! Why dost thou foresake me!?!?!
Oh the yo-yo. I’m on it. And I HATE it. I’m working so hard right now to try to find that balance, but I think I’m failing at it….
managed chaos says
Aww, thanks for the link, my friend. I think this post describes my situation to a “T”.
The Retired One says
I also can relate so much to your post.
I have been all over the place.
But now that I am 56, I have decided that I will not be a slave to the scale.
I am trying to think healthy and eat smaller portions with NO forbidden foods.
I think if you have forbidden foods, they then hold power over you.
I am just eating small, small portions of the old enemies instead.
As for exercising, I try small things there too…walking more, parking further away from the door when I shop, etc.
It is slowly helping.
My poor metabolism does not know what to do.
Will I ever be or get thin? No.
But I am sure I won’t weigh 300.
And be a lot happier.