A Perfect Decision

Velveteen Mind wrote a post a few days ago called, About The Baby. She spoke of her latest pregnancy. And confided in us, her readers, the deepest feelings she has about her unexpected pregnancy.
It reminded me of thoughts unspoken.
Things I was so afraid to admit. Because of the guilt. But it made me realize just how normal somewhat doubting a pregnancy can be. And I was able, after all these years, to remember and not feel pangs.

You see, I was riddled with guilt when I was pregnant with my third child.
Excited. Thrilled. But terrified and burdened. So unsure of this decision.
My children. They had just been dragged through a divorce, a little over 2 years earlier.
Uprooted from the only home they had known and moved around to four different residences. I don’t say home because, there hadn’t been a home until we moved to the home we are now.
Forced to live with a man who was not their father. And maybe, perhaps, not even the person they would have chosen…if given the choice. Expected to happily share rooms with children who were strangers, up until a few months prior.
My oldest child. My son. Was so fragile emotionally. Depressed. Angry.
My husbands son filled with issues too.
I was so beyond troubled with the reaction that my pregnancy would illicit from the two boys. Would it break that thin strand that held them together?

Every night, while the house slept, I wept.

I was so scared.
Heparin was a twice a day way of life for me. As a preventative measure, so there would be no repeat of my blood clot ridden second pregnancy. I would lock myself into my room and inject a hope filled needle into my bruised stomach.
I sobbed for fear of dying. And leaving my 4 and 6 year old children motherless.
Reassurance of my sister raising them was not consolation. They needed their Mommy. And their Mommy was selfishly in love with a man whose child she so desperately wanted to have. Regardless of the risks.

I feared both sides of our families reaction. Scorn. Shame.
My parents had their worries over this pregnancy.
His parents had their…concerns.

I wondered how accepted this unborn child would be. By anyone. Aside from the parents who made him from so much love.

I even considered many times, in the midnight stillness of the quiet house. Shaking with silent, uncontrollable tears while my husband slept, peacefully dreaming in the bed next to me…

Termination.

I did think about it. A lot. At the very beginning. Even though, in the very depths of my heart, I knew that there was no way I could. Or would. Not ever.

But with this pregnancy. There came so much turmoil. Within me. And within our families.
I just couldn’t decide how truly worth it, already having four children who so desperately needed us…this pregnancy should be.

Then one morning. When I was around 13 weeks pregnant. I awoke to a fluttering in my stomach.
It was the baby.
He was making himself known. Early.

It was then that I knew.
No matter what.
This baby wasn’t going to be the cause of any turmoil. Or shame. Or guilt.
The baby was going to come into the world.
He was going to be loved by so many people.
He was going to love so many people.
Everything was going to be fine.

And almost 6 years later. As I watch him grow strong and proud.
Full of the all the love that I had predicted he would give and receive.
I can finally let go of that guilt I had, for even thinking about bringing this child into the world.
I can be excited.
And thrilled.
Because it was the most perfect decision.

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