Dear God,
Remember this post? Yeah. For a brief moment, I thought you actually MIGHT exist. And that you might have actually cared.
God.
Explain to me this.
How can you giveth. Then taketh away?
I’m tired. You’re a game player. I don’t do well with games. Especially when the rules are constantly changing…at YOUR whim.
Is it because I didn’t believe hard enough? Because I don’t know how hard I’m supposed to believe. I’m doing the best I can on what limited proof I have to go on.
Is it because I wasn’t grateful enough? Although I really wouldn’t even know how to show my gratitude, aside from becoming more devout.
Which isn’t happenin’
Is it because I didn’t get to go to seder? I was super sick and didn’t want to put others at risk of my horrible virus. I would have assumed that you, of everyone, would know how I love Passover.
Is it because I haven’t been a good twice a year Jew? Well, I don’t like being hypocritical. And if I don’t appreciate the religious aspect of my religion the other 363 days of the year…then why bother?
So by now, I’m sure you’re scratching your bald head or your beard, wondering why it is I’m blaming this MAJOR road block on you. Especially when I am a self-proclaimed non-believer.
Well God…
Because I can.
Because I don’t know who else to blame this on.
Because I don’t know “the man’s” email address.
Because I, for a split second, believed you might have heard my plea for help.
I believed for a nano-second that you might have actually had a hand in fixing our financial problems.
I really, really wanted. More than anything. To finally believe in you.
And for that instant. I kinda did.
Unfortunately, that didn’t last long.
God.
What did we do?
We are trying. So hard. To make ends meet.
And for a moment, we thought we could breathe.
But then the air was taken away.
It was replaced with a deep ocean…and no way to get our heads above the water.
I’m not writing this letter to you in a whiny tone. I want you to be aware of that. I DON’T whine.
I’m using my matter-of-fact voice in my head as I type this. As I write the words that question what is going on.
I’m done looking for little signs. I don’t see any. I never see any.
I’m done believing that this too shall pass. Because so far…it’s sticking around like L.A smog.
I’m done believing that things get better. I wish they did. But this particular situation…it doesn’t. It never has. The band-aid has peeled off. The stitches didn’t hold the wound together. It’s gaping. And starting to bleed again, slowly. But we know. Without a doubt. The bleeding will get worse.
God.
My children.
They’ve been through so much change in their short little lives.
With the divorce.
And moving to so many different houses.
Please.
Enlighten me.
What now?
Because this isn’t making me stronger.
This won’t make my children stronger.
The only thing it’s going to make stronger is my lack of faith.
And God.
If you hear me. And if you do exist in some form or another.
Please.
For my children.
I don’t need a band aid.
Or a life preserver.
I need something permanent.
Something that will stick.
That “the man” can’t change his mind about.
Or claim it to be null and void.
So God.
If you do exist.
And you just don’t feel like you want to listen.
Please forward this letter on to someone who does.
Thank You,
Me
I question God often.
I question my religion and my religious leaders.
I’ve wondered if the fact that I don’t go to church on a weekly basis makes me more of a target for life’s jokes.
Truth is, life sucks sometimes.
I hate lots of the cliches you’ve written like the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
I think sometimes it does kill us a little…each of those wrongs & hardships.
I’m sorry.
I hope somehow somewhere that permanent something you need will come along.
((((big hugs))))
All I can offer is some virtual hugs and love.
I really do understand your frustration and the feeling of abandonment. Different issues, but I have those same feelings. I do sympathize.
I’m really sorry. This is so very hard and painful! ((hug))
Life is just bullshit sometimes.
Just know that you aren’t alone and that we are all hear to virtually hold your hand and curse God right along side you.
*hug*
I am so there with you. I went to bed crying and woke up the same way. On the verge of tears as we speak. As cliche as it is — Life Is Not Fair. And that sucks.
I can vouch that life is not fair. “God helps those that help themselves” Sorry.
Hang in there
this too shall pass.
in the mean time, fuck it, crack open the wine.
Big huge virtual hugs. Someday, when I go on my ass kicking tour that already has a planned stop in MI, I will stop by and give you a real one. Perhaps we’ll even crack open a bottle of something and laugh about the size of our asses.
So for now, just the virtual hugs…
I read this yesterday..but couldn’t comment..and then thought of you all night.. I am sending prayers..hugs.. fake butts to pretend like we can smoke and forget about the hand life deals us sometimes.. xoxoxx
While I usually laugh when I read your posts, I really had a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat for this one. Why? Because we are there, too. Taking one day at a time. One minute at a time. Wondering where to turn next. What plan D … E ….. F is at this point. I have to get past the anger that working hard for most of my life and doing everything by the book simply didn’t work for us. Forces greater than all of our efforts have derailed nearly everything we’ve worked for all these years. We have to start over. At mid-life. I simply cannot project my thoughts beyond the moment or I will lose it. Hang in there.
You’re not alone sweetie!
You are so not alone. I can really relate to this and I am beyond ready for easier times. Times when we are not living paycheck to paycheck. Hugs Melissa…
God is off creating another universe without corporations and politicians who are sticking it to the regular folks. Unfortunately, he abandoned us in the process.
No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?
But seriously, sending hugs your way. I hope things work out for you immediately if not sooner. You’ve worked hard and you deserve to have things go right.