I walk into my closet.
My eyes are immediately drawn to the size 6 side of my closet, where they patiently hang neatly, waiting for their day to arrive…again.
All those gorgeous little tank tops. And skirts.
But my hand slowly, wistfully reaches towards the size 12 side.
Where clothes that cover problem areas hang.
I sigh deeply. Still gazing at my pretties in 6.
Damn that I wasn’t born with willpower.
Damn that I’m too lazy to work out.
And DAMN that I ever started smoking…which led to quitting…which led to this whole problem…again.
I pick out a pair of cute black capris. And a loose fitting black t-shirt. And…a black cardigan.
Cute.
But so un-sexy.
It’s not the clothes fault.
Clothes don’t define the sexy.
The sexy defines the clothes.
My sexy was tucked away in a drawer with cute little camis.
Waiting to be taken out from it’s neatly folded resting place.
As I’m getting dressed in front of the mirror…
I wonder to myself…Why.
Why can’t I feel good about myself at the weight that my body has reached.
I’m not fat.
I’m not skinny.
I still have the same face.
The same hair.
I’m in feeling sexy limbo.
I think about a friend of my family. A woman who is on the larger side.
But she owns her sexy and wears it with her expensive designer clothes.
She sprays it behind her ears and on her pulse points.
It emanates from her.
She illuminates it.
She epitomizes it.
I wish I could be like that.
I wish I could have just a little bit of that.
So comfortable.
So confident.
In ME. No matter what size I am…
Chunky.
Thin.
And all the different shapes in-between.
I’ve never defined how I feel about myself on whether or not men liked me.
I always go by how I feel when I look in the mirror.
These days, I gaze at my sexy, trapped my reflection.
Pounding at the mirror.
Begging me to take control.
Then I go on a mission.
I go on a diet.
And fail.
And another diet.
Fail…again.
It’s a constant battle lately.
Weight Watchers, fail.
South Beach, fail.
Medical Weight Loss…a local diet place. FAIL.
The more I diet. The more I fail.
The more out of control I feel.
The more my sexy creeps into the far back of the drawer it’s hidden in.
The more my sexy pounds on the mirror, begging. Pleading to be released.
I keep telling it to have patience.
One day, we’ll be together again.
Me and my sexy.
How I miss it.
I wish I could feel comfortable enough to wear it again…along with my size twelves.
But for now, just like I never gave up on quitting smoking,
I won’t give up on trying to get my sexy back.
It’s tough, I know!
My strategy is to focus on being FIT. I could honestly stand to lose about 30-40 pounds (I’m dead serious) BUT I teach group fitness and I can outspin most people, which makes me very happy. Changing my focus put me in a much happier place!
xoxo
I finally started taking my small clothes out of my closet and buying bigger sizes. I’m not happy about it, but the right clothes will still look better than the ones I want to fit in. I’m on the sexy hunt with you girlfriend.
I am with you and Tara..I am so on the sexy hunt.. I stay each week how I am going to start running three to four times a week like I was last spring..and each week that passes and I ran nada just makes me feel like such a huge failure..
Lets do this together..lets bring our sexy back. 🙂
Oh that smoking, that infernal smoking, for setting you up. I never really smoked and I’m in the same (sinking) boat. Thank God for empire waists.
If it is the red-head you”re talking about, she feels fat. You never know how someone feels on the inside. She’d love to know how you see her. Always remember that the important thing is your health.
Stupid sexy.
First of all, box up those size six things! Bitches, they are. I mean six? Ugh.
And then it’s all about a shift in attitude, harder than any weight loss. I’ve seen your picture here. You are sexy. Believe it.
I agree. Box up the smaller clothes and give them to those shallow, skinny, anorexic bitches via Goodwill.
Then, go out , get your hair done, buy some new makeup products and head straight (first!) to the lingere department and buy sexy underwear in YOUR present size.
Then go buy a pair of CFM shoes.
Then a sexy outfit in your PRESENT size.
I guarantee you will feel like the sexy woman you are, right now.
And as for dieting?
Just eat what you want (no forbidden foods). Stop at 1/2 of the serving. Eat the 2nd half 3 hours later. Small meals every 3 or 4 hours. There can be no forbidden foods, because then it is a constant battle and “good and bad” foods. No such thing. The French do this all the time….eat and drink whatever they want…only in small quantities, embracing life!
Hi! I’m stopping in from SITS!
Very honest post. Here’s an idea: instead of focusing on dieting and then beating yourself up when you don’t follow through, how about focusing on making just one healthy change a week and keeping at it until it becomes a habit. Once you start feeling healthier, your mood will change and so will your outlook on other things, such as your body!
I’m participating in a staff health challenge for work and even though my task is the opposite of yours, it’s helped a lot to focus on becoming healthier instead of changing the numbers on the scale. Good luck!
Trust me, boo. I can tell that you’re sexy and I’ve never seen your face.
Sexy is way more than a size of clothing, than a designer bag, or a kickin’ pair of stilettos.
It’s the INSIDE stuff 🙂
And you’ve got it.
love you.
you go girl!
keep your chin up, you will do it!
Diets are rough! I always have been results with exercising. Sexy is a state of mind and you’ve got it somewhere, just let it out! Kudos for your candor!
I meant I always have better results with exercising. That will teach me to blog before my first cup of coffee. Ah ha
I am right there with you. Sexy is like some far off place that I can’t seem to get to.
1. You’re face is GORGEOUS!!!
2. You’re NOT fat!!!
3. You need to stop binging on carbs or anything else because you’re bored, annoyed, lazy, etc. and you need to change your diet/eating habits and start walking again and you’ll get to a perfect weight.
4. Size 6 might be your idea of the perfect size, but it might not be your body’s perfect weight. Your body’s “perfect” weight is after you do #3 long enough to become a new, healthy lifestyle and is easy enough to maintain.
5. You’re face is GORGEOUS!!!
(I was gonna make a sarcastic, sisterly comment but am afraid that your blogging friends will take me seriously and form a lynch mob.)
xoxoxo
You know where she is and that’s better than some – 6 or 16 – I have no doubt you are sexy, you sure are here! 🙂
~K