My dear friend, the fabulous, wonderful, outstanding…I can’t think of enough adjectives to describe how awesome this woman is…Tara who writes at If Mom Says Ok needed to talk. But in the privacy of another blog. So she asked. And, of course, I said..HELL YEAH!!
A MOTHERS RANT
This weekend my daughter will be moving back home, finished with her finals and ready for the summer before her junior year in college.
Today her dad spent a couple hours on the phone trying to break her apartment lease. You see, instead of returning to her adopted college town in the fall, she will be making a new home two hours closer.
She has become the kind of girl she used to make fun of… she is transferring schools because of a boy.
A little back story…
JM graduated high school 19th in her class of nearly 600, putting her firmly in the top 3%. She donned a golden collar, designating her as Summa Cum Laude. Her GPA was a weighed 4.7. As a college freshman she had more than 30 hours of class credits thanks to successfully completing nine Advanced Placement courses in high school.
She was accepted at each of the colleges she applied to and was offered academic scholarships at three. The fourth ~ The University of Florida ~ the one she chose to attend, was selected because JM believed it was the most academically challenging. She felt that a diploma from this institution would look better on her resume.
Her tuition was paid in full from an academically-based Florida Bright Futures Scholarship.
While at this college, she was active in the Student Honors Organization. She was even elected president of SHO as a sophomore. Under her leadership SHO was selected organization Of the Year campus-wide for 2009, and she, individually, was presented a Diamond Award in recognition of her service.
She has selected a major that she is excited about and completed an internship this semester with the Juvenile Justice Department in Gainesville. Depending on the results of her final exams, she should end her career at UF with a 3.7 or higher.
This was by all accounts a successful college experience for an exceptionally bright young woman.
Yet…
She had horrible roommate issues, and had a difficult time making close friends. The aforementioned boyfriend was attending a different school, as were many of her closest friends… more than two hours away.
By the end of the summer she will be eligible for her Associates degree, making the transfer almost seamless. JM has talked with administrators at the school she wants to transfer to and has researched her major program.
The major she plans to pursue is ranked higher at her new school. The cost of living is lower and the apartment she will be sharing with one of her best friends is in a gated community and about the same expense for a safer environment.
By transferring she will be closer to home, she will be around friends and family, and presumably happier.
If you take the boy out of the equation, the move makes sense. On the face of it, her decision is a rational one. The move has been well thought out and hard to argue with.
Yet…
If she stayed where she is, she could complete her bachelor’s degree in a year, then she could transfer for her master’s. But she doesn’t want to wait, and the BF is doing nothing to dissuade her from making this move. And, he’s doing nothing to transfer closer to JM.
Are either of them thinking about what is best for her?
Are we making too much out of this decision? She is an adult. She will be 20 in a couple months and more than capable of making these sort of life decisions herself. She really doesn’t need our permission, but I would have liked to give my blessing, but I just can’t. At least not yet.
During the two years JM and her BF have dated, theirs has been a long distance romance. The longest they’ve been in the same town has been summer break last year. My concern is that once they are around each other 24/7 the relationship will not survive.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder, so will being together so much become an irritant rather bringing them closer? If they break up, transferring back will not be an option.
Her dad and I have brought up all these concerns and JM says she has considered each one. This is a done deal, whether we like it or not. Whether we think it’s a good idea or not. And we do not think it’s a good idea.
I chose to post this some place other than my own blog to avoid causing problems for JM. Hubs and I have both talked to JM about this decision, so none of this is news. But… grans and aunts read my blog and would have no qualms about giving her grief over her decision. I hope to dodge that disaster.
If Mom Says OK is one of the first blogs I started visiting regularly. And she, in turn, started visiting me. At all my various new homes. She is a dear blog friend of mine and I am so excited to say that, in July…I will FINALLY meet her!! If you don’t know Tara yet, then go and meet her. She is a wonderful writer and photographer. I think…no, I KNOW…you’ll love her as much as I do!!
Tough to do, but you have to let them do what they’re gonna do and support them.
But that’s coming from the perspective of a mom with two pre-schoolers. Having college kids SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME.
I can see both sides really well.
Personally, I have never known anyone who transferred/moved for a boy who has stayed in the relationship with said boy. But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I think that everyone else is right though– You have to let her do this on her own. (I know you will). Sometimes, we have to do it on our own, and a few years from now, she’ll probably say, “You were right, Mom..” but until then..
Either way, I wish her the BEST of luck. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, I can tell.
First of all, I think you and your husband are right on. Remember what is was like at that age; hormones, nothing but hormones. Everything was thought of in the immediate sense and not future tense. In a book I read, “Women Who Run With The Wolves,” it stated that we are always going down a right path until a “bone” is waved at us from another path. If we choose the path with the bone, it always leads us astray and we wind up working harder than ever getting back on the right path. She is being tested, and even though she is 20 & “capable” of making her own decisions, you are still more experienced. The decision will ultimately still be her’s to make, and it is still your job to enlighten her that it must be her future down the line she must focus on and not what is right in front of her nose at the moment. You’ve raised a well balanced kid it sounds – she by no means is stupid. Remind her that if it doesn’t work out with her and her BF, what will she be left with: what she could have been, or what she settled for instead.
If I’m out of line, just smack me over at twitter.
Thank you so much for letting me rant here. I really needed to get this off my chest. I CANNOT wait until July to finally meet you face to face!
You already know what I’m going to say, right?
I know it’s your nature to want to protect her from making a choice for the wrong reason, but maybe the journey is the point. Maybe without making this choice to transfer, she’d never find out the solidity or lack thereof of her relationship before she was about to travel down a wedding aisle. Maybe she’d continue to excel at her original school, but leave it with a feeling of everything she missed out on that he friends near home were experiencing. Maybe by choosing to transfer, hun, she’s avoiding an existential crisis, instead of walking into one.
Trust in this: she’s a smart cookie and she’s had a great role model of a woman for nearly 20 years. She’s doing what’s right for her, now. And she will continue to, even if the bf isn’t in the picture two semesters later.
That being said, I totally get how you’re feeling and the doubts and protectionism you have.
*hugs*
First of all, I don’t know you so feel free to ignore what I’m going to say. But I do feel a little connection because your story reminded me some of … me. The details don’t match up perfectly, but the basic story line is the same — smart girl, few friends at college, decision revolving around boyfriend, parents unsupportive because they believe that girl deserves better and can do better, girl insistent.
I really encourage you to be as supportive of her as you can, while still making sure that she understands that this isn’t the path you think is wisest. I’m sure you’re not purposely alienating her, but my parents didn’t believe they were alienating me either. In the end, I felt alone at school and at my parents’ home. It sent me faster towards my boyfriend. He was the only one that was supporting my plans. And I was too stubborn to allow my parents to be right and me be wrong.
Were my parents right, or at least right about some of it? Yes … there were many things that with reflection I know that they were right.
Do I regret my decision? Yes … at times. But I also love the place my life is in right now and know that I would not have experienced this if my life had gone according to the plan my parents and I had for my life.
Would I make the same decision now, with the perspective I currently have, if I could go back and do it all again? Probably. It may not make sense, but I would still choose the road that led to where I am today. I would probably do a few things differently, but in the end I wouldn’t want to change anything that kept me from being exactly where I am today; even though I’m supposedly not living up to my potential; even though I still have dreams and plans that had to be put on hold for a number of years.
See, even if it takes longer to get where I was going before, I know that I’ll still get there. I know that on my way there, my husband (boyfriend at the time) will be totally supportive. I know that the experiences, the friendships, and the spiritual journey I have taken on the way are worth a million masters degrees. Besides, there is no expiration date on my dreams except for the one I give myself.
As now a parent to an amazing little girl, I completely understand wanting to protect her and prevent her from making what you believe will be a huge mistake. Just remember that the way you handle it will affect your relationship with her for years. And if she believes that you are doubting HER in anyway whatsoever (even if it’s just her ability to pick a boyfriend/spouse), that there’s a good chance that her back will stiffen and she’ll become more determined than ever.
Good luck to your whole family!
Tara, my daughter asked me to read this. It really hit a nerve. I believe that your daughter has to make her own decision, and that you can only guide her and drop it. I look back 109 years ago, and realize how smart my parents were, and wish I had listened to a lot that they said. It’s amazing how smart are parents are, but they have much more experience, and look at things with that experience.
Loved the answers you received. Lots of smart people in blog land.
That is a dilemma I hope to never be in, but I’m sure it will eventually happen. I hope it all works out for your daughter & she has no issues that you are fearing (although I fear for her too & don’t even know her.
She’s an adult. Back off and let her make her own mistakes, er, decisions.