I’m. A. Failure.
OK, a failure at diets. That’s all we’re talking about right now!
Even though the title of this post suggests otherwise.
I’m the only person I know. Who gains weight on EVERY. Stinking. Diet.
A few weeks ago, when I announced the no fail diet that I was going on, I was all pompous and arrogant. And so what if they basically mean the same thing…
Because I was…
going to lose all 30 pounds I had gained from quitting smoking.
And, by the way, on March 21st…it was a year.
I celebrated that amazing feat…
by going up ANOTHER jean size.
Yeah…my lungs thank me. And your lungs thank me.
My fat ass and the inside of my thighs that have been rubbing together…THEY aren’t thanking me. Not so much.
And my bank account…not too happy with me because I keep having to buy bigger clothes.
I know what you’re thinking…I’m psychic.
You’re thinking…zip the mouth. And move the ass.
I KNOW. OK. I. Know.
*drapes hand over forehead* But I just can’t muster up the willpower. Sigh.
The last time I did this diet was with medication called Adipex. It…was a miracle drug. Not kidding. After the first couple days of the jitters…I felt great. And the pounds shed off. And stayed off.
Until I quit smoking.
Which…I won’t start again. Not even a smelly, gross hair, breath, clothes, yellow tooth, yellow fingernail option. No offense to those of you who do smoke. I was talking about my smelly, gross hair, breath, clothes, yellow teeth and yellow fingernails…not yours.
So back to this diet.
I was doing pretty well for the first couple of weeks. Without the med part. Down 6 pounds…not too shabby for 3 weeks.
And when you have sick kids…you’re stuck at home. And when you’re stuck and home…aside from blogging and twittering…you’re bored. And when you’re bored you…eat goldfish crackers, and bowlS of cereal, and whatever crap-shit-else you can find to shovel into your mouth…
to numb the bored-ness.
And you raise your shoulders at your husbands questioning gaze as you’re shoving HUGE pieces of freshly baked banana bread into your mouth…crumbs landing on your expanded bosom.
5 pound weight gain…
And you raise your shoulders at your husbands questioning gaze as you’re complaining to your dieting partner in crime about your lack of success at this diet, while shoving in handfuls of cheese-its into your chubbier cheeks.
3 pound weight gain…
As I was saying.
I’m a willpower lacking, dieting failure.
And I need intervention before I eat myself into the shape of a hot-air balloon.
OK…I hear you.
Never stop trying. Right? That’s what you’re going to say to me.
I’m not. That’s how it is that I’ve tried almost every diet out there.
Weight Watchers…all it does is teach me how to eat junk all day but stay within my point range. Which could really explain my lack of weight loss there…hmmm.
And South Beach.
And various others that I can’t think of offhand.
On this Medical Weight Loss Diet…
The one that I am CURRENTLY failing at…
They offer this booster shot.
They shoot it up…
in my hip.
It has all sorts of vitamins in it, as well as some other good stuff.
It ALLEGEDLY aides in making your metabolism go faster. And it SUPPOSEDLY does something to your fat cells. Also…and I GUESS…importantly…it has all sorts of healthy B vitamins.
I’m trying it.
I’ve got nothing to lose.
(ready for the cliche?)
I’ve had 3 shots already.
But they SWEAR by it at the clinic.
They like it better than the more expensive diet that you take the meds with.
And I’m a gullible sucker when it comes to anything that claims fat and weight loss.
We shall see.
I really am hoping to lose weight by July.
At the rate I’m going on this diet venture though…
The hotel is going to charge me double occupancy.
awe, poor thing.
I did WW, lost the weight it took a year but it is gone and now I am TRYING to maintain…it does get easier!
I don’t believe in diets, but I’m a guy, so it goes without saying.
But still, diets suck.
I say eat what you want and try to get a little bit of exercise. Go for walks on your lunch breaks. Walk to the store. Turn off the tv and go for a walk.
It’s easier said than done of course but I’ve been practicing it for a bit and it’s taken about 10 pounds off so far.
I just need to ignore the cries of my belly for nachos and chocolate and cake.
Which is essentially a diet.
But hopefully the exercise evens it out, or comes out slightly ahead.
Sex is exercise, by the way, and helps your ass to stay slim, which is presumably the whole reason why you want to stay slim, which is to be sexy.
Snarky A. says
For me, maintaining a healthy life style is so hard, so I completely understand.It is all about the commitment & continously keeping up the motivation, while doing it the old-fashioned way.
You’ll get there.
I just ran across your site and I wanted to tell you congrats on quitting smoking. I used to be called chief smoke a lot in college. Much to everyone’s surprise I managed to quit. It will be 6 years in July. Stick with it no matter what.
Tara R. says
These very reason are why I have a KING at BlogHer so my mighty girth can spread out comfortably. I have absolutely no willpower. I’m hoping to kick start my weight loss this week while off from work. We can cheer each other on.
the planet of janet says
willpower and i are confirmed enemies. the end.
First of all, BRAVO on your one-year anniversary!
Second of all, of course you cannot maintain a diet with sick kids to take care of.
Third of all, you do know everyone will love you whether you lose those 30 pounds or not.
That is all.
I never knew you smoked and you quit! Awesome! One day when I finally get tired of coughing up half my lungs I’ll quit. But you are not encouraging me with thoughts of weight gain…I weigh enough.
Sorry sweetie that is no fun…
When you find something that works, I’ll do it with you. :o)
By the way, you are a WINNER! You won the Jumpstart giveaway!!!
I just need your emal…
The Royal Barrister says
You actually got shots?!! 3 of them?!!! Are you NUTS?!!! Wait…I know the answer to that, being that mental illness is hereditary. Although you didn’t get height or a fast metabolism, so who’s to say that you got the mental illness part of our heredity? 😉 I’m thinking that a little exercise and less processed foods might help, but what do I know? I’m only the sister…who’s watched your struggle for years…but at least you have a beautiful face and amazing hair. And you’re kinda smart and a really clever, relevant writer.