Hey God,
I need to discuss something with you.
I know what you’re thinking. How can someone who so adamantly doesn’t believe in you want to talk to you? Well…because.
Because I have tried REALLY hard to believe in you.
And I almost did. Once. After the bleeding incident.
But…due to life circumstances, I began to believe that I’m still around…not because of you but…because I was under good doctor care. Sorry.
But…
I’m struggling here.
Did you NOT notice?
I’m struggling on so many levels with my life.
So…while I’m struggling. And trying to do what it is that I need to do. I’m waiting for some sort of sign to prove that you really do exist.
But…
Nothing. I’ve gotten…NOTHING.
And…right now…I could really use you.
But it’s really difficult to believe in something that isn’t tangible. So…I really would like some sort of sign.
What kind of sign, you ask.
Oh, I don’t know…
A yes from one of the literary agents.
Or…
A few sales.
Or…
My children to not give me problems for a WHOLE WEEK.
Or…
My husband to not be such an asshole anymore.
SOMETHING.
Because…I really need some help here.
AND…
Temple isn’t making it any easier to believe in you.
Their bottom line is about our dues.
Not about our privilege…our RIGHT… to practice our religion.
And…because we couldn’t pay our dues…
we weren’t allowed tickets to the High Holy Day Services…
and our childrens religious education is being threatened!
I know! A crock, right!?
And…
There is NO ONE to go and talk to there.
So…
please.
C’mon…give a girl a sign. I’m not asking for much.
Just…a sign.
So that I know that you’re there.
So that I can have some sort of comfort.
Because, right now…
I just don’t.
Right now…
I’m achy. And sad. And miserable.
And so lost.
So…if you really do exist. And you’re in the mood to prove it.
I’m waiting.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation in attending to this matter.
MBB
Melissa,
One only has ones-self to help them. God gave us the freedom of choice. Man makes his own choices in this world. Sorry to disappoint you. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to him though. Some thought may come up. I was told by someone to just go and sit in a sanctuary for a while and feel peace flow over me. Go talk to Schwartz. He will make you feel better, or Roman. You do not have to be a member. Don’t be lost, you have all of us.
Love
It’s hard. It’s so hard sometimes. Needing God so badly and thinking he’s not there.
He is.
Sometimes we are looking too hard. Sometimes we are overlooking those moments and glimpses of God that were there all along but we were so focused on finding him in the largest way that we missed him in the small ways.
Unfortunately, our husbands choose to be assholes. Our kids choose to act out occasionally. Your mom is right about our choices. That makes it even harder!
I’m sorry this is so very hard for you. It will get better. Reaching out is the first step.
God is there. He will answer. Just let it come.
I’m sorry your going through hard times, but the good thing is that things will always change… sometimes the change is for the better, sometimes not, but if everything is really bad already it usually can’t get worse. So, hang in there, things will get better eventually 🙂
Hmm we have the same initials I hope he doesn’t get our prayers mixed up. I asked for a shiny Porsche… or was that to Santa, don’t remember, but I do know they’re are real (both of them) Hope things get better soon.
I’ve thought the exact same things myself. And hey, I thought it was only the Catholic Church that cared about their “donations” as a bottom line! Ha! Seriously though, I get you. Been there. Have belief in yourself first. Know that things will be ok. Know that you will make it through the tough times no matter what ….. God will show up eventually. (maybe. perhaps. hopefully).
But either way – you need to survive and I’m sure you will. Cyberhugs. ((HUGS))
honey, there has to be someone to talk to at your temple. if you can’t think of anyone else, try the rabbi.
sending hugs. you sound like you can really use some now. that and a winning lotto ticket.
xox
Have you ever heard that joke… a man is stranded in a flood and he cries to God for help, and a man comes by in a boat and he turns him away because he’s waiting for God. A helicopter comes to rescue him, but he refuses because he’s waiting for God. More of the same, until finally the waters over take him and he drowns. When in Heaven, he questions God, “Why didn’t you save me?” and God replies, “First I sent a boat, then I sent a helicopter…”
There are people who are in your life — not by accident.
I have a life raft over here anytime you need to vent, and I guinuinely care (even if I can’t spell). The temple situation sucks, and I agree with Janet, there has to be somebody you can talk to about this.
Hold on, this too shall pass!!!! hugs, wet from swimming across the ocean, J
Oh Melissa, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. I hope things get better for you soon.
I hope you realize God is there by the fact that all of us are rushing to comment about our love for you. You can see God in the love of the friendships you’ve made here.
I love that “joke” that J told. I’ve heard that a number of times and it always rings true. I think there are signs every day that God exists. We just have to see them. Everyone commenting here and telling you how much we care is a sign.
Life can be so difficult, but those difficulties help to strengthen us. I know it sucks right now. But hang in there. It won’t always suck.
And the temple thing sucks too. You should never get kicked out because of money. But remember that the only way a temple/church can function is by money and they get that from those who attend. Everyone needs money including religious organizations, and being on the financial board of a church for a while I know how much the church(and temples) hate asking for money. But again, you should NEVER be turned away because of money. How crazy.
ANYWAY, I always try to pray for strength. It is tempting to want to pray for an easy life (though life is never easy) or for our problems to be fixed but it just doesn’t work that way. I was always told, don’t pray for an easy life pray to be a strong person.
I hope you find strength in God to make it through such a rough time. And know that you can always talk to us. And YES! Let’s get together and bitch and moan and comfort each other! 🙂
Holy crap. Why don’t I just write a book while I’m at it?
Hugs my friend…..I wish I was there to hug you in person….email me if you want to talk or vent. Love you..
hi melissa — often it is through another person, the angels who walk among us (we know them best as friends/loved one, sometimes acquaintances), that He sends our way to offer us comfort during our moments of despair.
blessings and hugs to you this night,
kathleen xoxo xo xoooxx xxoooxxx xoxoxox xoxoxx xxxx oooo 🙂
Ugh, the temple stuff sucks. Sorry you’re dealing with that. That’s why I don’t “do” organized religion, and I keep wanting to try again, but…ugh, maybe not.
I’m so sorry that you are having such a rough time with the temple. God does exist you just have to look for the small details, stop wanting the bigger picture. Look at the color on the trees and the miracle of babies.
He is there waiting for you to want him and talk to him. Keep talking to him and you will feel so much better and know that he made you feel better because he was there.
If you need anything e-mail me, even if it’s just to vent. Hugs to you during this difficult time.
I have had that same conversation with God more than I care to admit. (I have an entire post on that subject that has been stewing for a few months. I’m saving it for NaBloPoMo.) I am appalled that the Temple denied you access because of dues. Even the Protestants aren’t THAT bad. Hypocritical, bigoted, spiteful, yes, but they want butts in the seats, even if those butts don’t carry wallets in the back pocket. (No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?)
Usually my indications that God might exist have to do with the fact that something bad happens just when I’m beginning to be happy. Mother Theresa is credited with saying, “I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.”
I’m sorry you’re going through such crap all at once. It seems like it always happens that way. Do we need to form a committee to come and collectively kick hubby’s ass? Or send all the kids to camp for a week? (I know it’s not summer, work with me here.)
If worst comes to worst, our deck is open and there is plenty of hot tea and hot chocolate. Whisky, beer and wine are also available.
Amazing post. Thank you so much for your honesty with this incredibly personal topic. That’s why I read your blog.
(((more hugs for ya)))