This is NOT a pity post…I PROMISE!!!!
I’ve started, stopped, written, deleted…this post. So many times. I mean, why bother? The few friends that have found my new place…you guys seem fairly entertained by my casual banter, right? So why do a post about ME? A serious post. We all know that I’m hardly ever serious.
But…it’s something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time. Even before I read the couple of posts on some of my favorite blogs. Even before I discussed it with a friend of mine.
Like I said on my post yesterday. I’ve been thinking about the whole fitting in thing. And it’s something that I’ve never really done. Not very well, anyway. Fit. In.
Yeah, I’ve always had friends. But, I’ve never been a clique sort of girl. I’m not sure if it’s because I didn’t want to be in a big group or…I was too insecure to try. I’m guessing…I was too insecure…and shy. I always feared rejection. I still do. So…I don’t put in my 110%…just in case. And that has always left me on the outskirts. Always there but not completely joined in.
Always the one who had strange rumors attached to her name. Assumptions.
She’s pretty. She must be a bitch.
She’s quiet. She must be a snot.
She parties. She must be a slut.
She dresses differently. She must be wild.
I think that I was the girl that people liked but didn’t really remember to invite. To parties. To movies. To coffee. To whatever. Wherever.
As I got older, I thought it wouldn’t matter as much..fitting in.
And it really doesn’t. Not really. Not as much.
But, I still don’t really fit in anywhere.
Not in real life. In real life, I’m still insecure. I’m still shy. And…I’m still pretty.
And I think people still think I’m a stuck up, snotty bitch. Because…what else could it be, right? An almost 40 year old woman who walks down the pre-school hall, not making too much eye contact, not really talking to many people…not making many friends…
MUST. Be a bitch.
Or…thinks she better than…
Or maybe, I’m just being insecure. Assuming that because that was really what people thought when I was younger and it’s just carrying forward to adulthood.
Because I don’t think that we grow out of our insecurities. Not completely. Some of us can mask it more than others. But it still lingers…
Only, as an adult, I’ve grown more comfortable with my looks. So, if other women think I’m stuck up and snotty…well, let them.
While so many women travel in packs…all wearing a variation on a theme…I’m hanging with my one or two good friends. And you can tell us apart…we are all dressed differently.
While some women take forever to leave their house because their phone is ringing off the hook…I just have toll free calls…and my couple of friends who pretty much only call on the cell phone.
While some women have a multitude of lunch dates, tennis dates, work out dates…I come home and hang with my computer…and sometimes meet my one or two friends for lunch dates. I don’t do tennis…or work out much.
Where I was very insecure about this when I was younger…I’m fine with it now. Maybe because I’m used to it.
I’m NOT lonely.
I’m NOT sad.
I just don’t really fit in. You can’t pigeon hole me.
But…
I think that might be OK.
I think…I’m cool. I kinda like me. I kind of like doing my own thing…on my own time.
I may never fit in anywhere. Even here. In the blog world.
Making a few really good blog friends. And a few really good IRL friends. And that is wonderful. Who could ask for much more?
But… there is one place I completely fit in. With my family. My husband. My children
And really, at the end of the day…isn’t that what really matters?
Isn’t that the clique that I should be fitting in with? The one that really counts?
This has got to be my favorite post ever! I think you are awesome!
“I think that I was the girl that people liked but didn’t really remember to invite.”
That is my most favorite line ever. I have tried to come up with a way to describe how I felt growing up and in school and that’s it. You nailed it.
This post was excellent. Seriously wonderful! I feel like there is so much here I completely relate to and understand!!
You are great! I love your witty posts. You always have something to say at exactly the right moment to crack me up and that is one of the things I love about you and this blog, but this post was definitely a welcomed change. I loved everything about it and like Alison, that is my favorite line also.
Btw, I personally don’t think it is your insecurities, because like you said too many woman never lose their insecurities and to think, “she’s pretty, must be a bitch etc, etc,” is their insecurities coming out. So they have probably carried over also. I find myself all too often doing this and stopping myself because I really don’t want to do it.
Now that I have written you a book I will stop but I could seriously go on forever. We really need to figure out plurk.
I amend previous comment. I was NOT the pretty one (pretty enough), I was the smart one, so obviously I couldn’t have been pretty. And I certainly didn’t think I was pretty. I spent years mainly trying to hide or overcompensate. I didn’t date, and in my tiny little high school, I was the only girl in class without a boyfriend. Granted there weren’t a lot of options, but there it is.
Like I said in the previous comment, I no longer worry that much about fitting in. The song “Corner of the Sky” from Pippin became my theme song. I won’t recite it unless you’re interested.
Holy cow it just suddenly started pouring the rain here. THAT wasn’t supposed to happen!
Anyway, this was really thoughtful and beautifully written, and I’ve always suspected we had many things in common. Which I hope you don’t find insulting, because I don’t mean it to be. OK, shutting up now.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🙂
Sounds just like me.
I was quiet – so I was a bitch.
I was shy – so I was a snobby.
I have solid opinions about what I like – so I’m spoiled.
Even physically, I was always shorter than everyone else so I had to literally walk around looking up – or as it was interpreted – with my nose in the air so that meant I was stuck up.
Yuppers, that was me. I’ve learned to love myself for who and what I am and if others don’t like it, that’s their deal. I’m perfectly fine in my own skin. And in some way – that does make me better than others who judge, doesn’t it? And if that makes me snobby or bitchy or stuck up, then SO BE IT!
I never wanted to fit in. Does that make me a social weirdo. No. I just
had this mind of my own from such a young age. I had friends, but I
felt like they followed me, because I accepted their differences and
didn’t judge them or their lives. I found out that beauty brings good
and bad. You are living your life as you want, and it doesn’t matter
what else people have to say, it is okay to be you, I promise. (((HUGS)))
youre TOTALLY a snotty bitch! and youre wild…and a total slut!
i kid…i kid!
well…since I hung out with you in high school…i can tell you that you did fit in (with me at least), and you werent snotty or slutty or anything like that. and we totally went to parties and had coffee and were invited places! we had fun! dressed weird? ok…maybe. but i dressed like you too! so wait? does this mean im a wild, snotty slut? 🙂
oh…and fast forward MANY years later. i see you in the pre-school halls. you always talk to me!
anyway….my little HB, you are loved. i love you! and nobody thinks youre a bitch. youre a slut…but not a bitch. 🙂
I think it’s great to get to that point in life that you realize that you’re just YOU.
I know I’m quirky and bitch etc…….but I’m totally ok with that!
I’ve found that The Blogosphere is a great place to meet people that ARE JUST LIKE ME!! WooHoo!
I wasn’t the only one. My problem was that I’m outgoing if I know you and feel comfortable around you. If I don’t know you well or we’re in a situation that I don’t feel 100% comfortable, I’m pretty reserved. I’ve actually been told, once someone has taken the time to get to know me, that they’re surprised that I’m not a snob because that was their first impression of me.
I have found through the web, and especially my blog and those I read, that I am not the only one going through a LOT of my issues. It’s nice to know I’m not the only freak. Wait, if there’s more than one of us, are we still freaks? I think NOT!
I can relate so much to this post and as a matter of fact, go read my blog. You will see. It’s sorta eerie.
I think you hit the nail on the head at the end of your post when you said that family is all that matters and it is the most important….I love how you get real in your posts…
you have been tagged and awarded at my site.
We need to talk…
Well I think you’re pretty awesome!!
I thought you said this wasn’t a pitty post! 😉 Don’t you love that we can create our own clique with our family? You should see me and my entourage, I’m so in with the in crowd!
Does anyone every feel like they fit in? (Please tell me no, since I’ve been excusing myself for 30 years now). Nice candid post– so glad that you’re back out in a safe blog atmosphere where you can “talk” again. And you’re right– if I had met you in person and you didn’t attempt to talk to me, I would’ve thought you were full of yourself– I’ve seen your picture, I would be threatened by your looks.