This is NOT a pity post…I PROMISE!!!!
I’ve started, stopped, written, deleted…this post. So many times. I mean, why bother? The few friends that have found my new place…you guys seem fairly entertained by my casual banter, right? So why do a post about ME? A serious post. We all know that I’m hardly ever serious.
But…it’s something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time. Even before I read the couple of posts on some of my favorite blogs. Even before I discussed it with a friend of mine.
Like I said on my post yesterday. I’ve been thinking about the whole fitting in thing. And it’s something that I’ve never really done. Not very well, anyway. Fit. In.
Yeah, I’ve always had friends. But, I’ve never been a clique sort of girl. I’m not sure if it’s because I didn’t want to be in a big group or…I was too insecure to try. I’m guessing…I was too insecure…and shy. I always feared rejection. I still do. So…I don’t put in my 110%…just in case. And that has always left me on the outskirts. Always there but not completely joined in.
Always the one who had strange rumors attached to her name. Assumptions.
She’s pretty. She must be a bitch.
She’s quiet. She must be a snot.
She parties. She must be a slut.
She dresses differently. She must be wild.
I think that I was the girl that people liked but didn’t really remember to invite. To parties. To movies. To coffee. To whatever. Wherever.
As I got older, I thought it wouldn’t matter as much..fitting in.
And it really doesn’t. Not really. Not as much.
But, I still don’t really fit in anywhere.
Not in real life. In real life, I’m still insecure. I’m still shy. And…I’m still pretty.
And I think people still think I’m a stuck up, snotty bitch. Because…what else could it be, right? An almost 40 year old woman who walks down the pre-school hall, not making too much eye contact, not really talking to many people…not making many friends…
MUST. Be a bitch.
Or…thinks she better than…
Or maybe, I’m just being insecure. Assuming that because that was really what people thought when I was younger and it’s just carrying forward to adulthood.
Because I don’t think that we grow out of our insecurities. Not completely. Some of us can mask it more than others. But it still lingers…
Only, as an adult, I’ve grown more comfortable with my looks. So, if other women think I’m stuck up and snotty…well, let them.
While so many women travel in packs…all wearing a variation on a theme…I’m hanging with my one or two good friends. And you can tell us apart…we are all dressed differently.
While some women take forever to leave their house because their phone is ringing off the hook…I just have toll free calls…and my couple of friends who pretty much only call on the cell phone.
While some women have a multitude of lunch dates, tennis dates, work out dates…I come home and hang with my computer…and sometimes meet my one or two friends for lunch dates. I don’t do tennis…or work out much.
Where I was very insecure about this when I was younger…I’m fine with it now. Maybe because I’m used to it.
I’m NOT lonely.
I’m NOT sad.
I just don’t really fit in. You can’t pigeon hole me.
I think that might be OK.
I think…I’m cool. I kinda like me. I kind of like doing my own thing…on my own time.
I may never fit in anywhere. Even here. In the blog world.
Making a few really good blog friends. And a few really good IRL friends. And that is wonderful. Who could ask for much more?
But… there is one place I completely fit in. With my family. My husband. My children
And really, at the end of the day…isn’t that what really matters?
Isn’t that the clique that I should be fitting in with? The one that really counts?