Well, not really. But…remember my last post? The one with the jab about the lesbian ex-girlfriend that my husband was back in contact with? OK…so listen…
When I went postal on him, he said that it was no biggie. That he didn’t care about talking to her. Not to worry.
Yeah…right.
Friday night…
He met his cousins, who are in town from Boston…at a bar. And…guess who else met him there?
While his wife was at home…
babysitting her sick with pneumonia son. Not to mention…the other 4 of our children.
And…he neglected to let me know that she would be up there…the lesbian ex-girlfriend…until his arrival home at 2:45 a.m…
I. WAS. PISSED!
Not because he was curious about seeing her again. I would be too.
Not because he was curious about what she’s been up too. I would be too.
I was pissed because…he lied and he was sneaky. And that is a betrayal.
Then on Saturday morning…I told him that there is no reason to try to reconnect with someone who you haven’t been connected to…in 20 freaking years. Whats. The. POINT?
So he said fine. Whatever. He didn’t care.
So…while he was out yesterday. I did a little sneaking around myself. Into his email. Because…I had some suspicions. And…
I found a nice little facebook message from her…
About how their conversation kept her up all night on Saturday. And…how she says he is right…that there is still something between them…she felt it too.
And…I got even more pissed. And…I was so hurt. How can MY husband…tell ANOTHER woman, lesbian or not…that there is still something between them…
So…I went running up to meet my husband and children at his uncles house, where he was playing volleyball.
And I shakily handed him the message…which I had printed off the computer…
And…he ignored me and kept playing volleyball.
Yeah…that’s right…
he ignored me.
Until last night…
When he realized that I wasn’t going to take ANY shit from him. He realized what he had done. That his really stupid and irresponsible actions had almost cost him the loss of me and my kids…including OUR child. Because…I was ready to leave. If he can sneak around once…even though it was “innocent”…he is capable of doing it again.
I let him verbally have it. I told him that, basically, he brings SO MUCH baggage to our marriage. Between his horrible family, his insane ex-wife…and their crazy son (their daughter is fine), his lack of motivation to get us out of financial difficulties…basically, I told him that, right now, the only good thing in our marriage is OUR son…and my children, of course (because they’re mine!)
And for the first time ever…I saw my husband cry. And I was glad. It gave me pleasure.
But, he told me that from the minute he met me…he loved me. And that even though he did something stupid…as innocent as it was…he would NEVER cheat. He would leave first before he ever betrayed me.
We talked for a couple of hours. I’m not going to write about everything we spoke of…it would take forever…but,
I just checked his facebook account…because I’m sneaky that way…
and she isn’t on his friend list anymore…and all the other ex-girlfriends that he had friended…they aren’t there either.
I have no idea what he did about answering her facebook message but…I’m really thinking that he did the right thing.
You know what’s funny though?
If this whole thing had been handled differently…
If, perhaps, he had told me about her…and maybe asked me if she could come to our house for dinner…with her child. Or took me along on Friday night…
it could have had a different ending.
Because, even with the crying and the apology and the declaration of love…
he still took away some of my trust in him. And that hurts. Because I trusted him. And now I don’t. Not completely. Even though nothing physical happened. Actually, nothing happened except for MY husband, sneaking to see a lesbian ex-girlfriend…
but now I don’t trust him completely…
And, I hate him for that.
On a side note..
i can’t figure out why, if today is monday the 9th…that my blog is on Australia time. HMMM…
Wow. I have a friend going through something like this, too, and yeah…she says there’s a little part of her that hates him. For taking away her trust. I was actually going to post about this today. Sheesh.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this Girl. You know I’m here for you if you want to yell and complain a little. xoxo
Oh I am so sorry! I hate that feeling. That idea that you trust but you can’t trust 100%. At some point is does go away. And I hate that it’s someone else influencing your feelings. If he had been open about it, it could have been different. I hate knowing that someone else has made me feel or act a certain way!
That sucks! I’m so sorry!!
Bless your heart. You’re right, if he had taken you along, or told you about it to begin with. I know all about (and am actually friends with a number of) the Mountain Man’s exes, and he knows all about mine (although he’s not what you could call friends with the stalker ex-hubby – go figure). At least he did the right thing in the end and you can begin healing. The trust will be difficult to rebuild, but it will come.
(I still haven’t quite gotten over the fact that he has a Facebook account. I keep thinking that’s mostly for kids.)
oh honey, i’m so sorry.
sending many many hugs.
I feel so bad for you. I have been there and it hurts and it sucks. If my blog was private I’d write everything, but it’s not so I can’t. Hugs to you. I am so sorry for you.
I’m so sorry this happened. I would have gone postal on Hubs too, especially if he had tried to keep this kind of thing from me. Lots of hugs to you! Hope you both can repair this rift.
It happened to me the first time around,
it is painful, and then the ‘friends’ who
knew it was going on and didn’t tell me
like they had something to gain. Even
one of my best buddys chose him,
talk about losing trust. I totally know
exactly where you are right now.
If you need to blurt it out, I am here !
UM…………..
I have to say… I feel you sister. I’m not joking. Except my boyfriend did cheat.
I know exactly what you’re feeling with the betrayal of trust. I know how you feel that you’ll never get that back. For me, it changed us forever and we will never be the same. There was an innocence in the relationship that is gone now, and in my opinion, you’ll never get back.
Forgiveness is hard, but it can be done. But things will never.. be…exactly the same.
I’m sorry this happened and I have to say that I’m mad at your husband for you! I’m sure we all are. You have plenty of support here, but if you need to talk, I’m certainly available.
((HUGS))
Don’t know quite what to say……except that I am sorry you are going through this, and I am sending lots of love and hugs!
Linda
Melissa – I miss you. It’s me. I need your email address so I can add you to my blog! I’m sorry that you had to go through all of this. I’m sorry that some of your trust was taken away. I’m so glad it turned out much better than you probably envisioned when you found the messages. I cannot imagine the fear it must have caused you. XO Talk soon.
I’m so sorry and so mad at him for you! I hope he never does anything that stupid again.
xoxo
I can wholeheartedly say I completely understand how you’re feeling. I have been there myself and it isn’t fun, took a LONG time for my trust to build up again with my husband and even now I still can’t help but wonder what he just *might* get up to, cause to be fair… I will never know for certain.
The trust is there, but the little voice that says what if will always be around now too.
Aw shit. I’m sorry sweetie. It sucks when husbands make asses of themselves. And, I’d be totally pissed too…
If you need to talk…I’m here for ya! Love you!
From experience, I can tell you that *sometimes* it helps just to walk up to him and kick him…hard… in the shins. Just randomly, with no warning. Then he’ll know, on some level, what its like to not be able to trust you not to hurt him when he least expects it.
As a side benefit? It is remarkably satisfying to swing that foot that hard, and connect. I’m jes’ sayin’….
Wow. What happened to simple pleasures…?
I don’t really know what to say except I’m sorry he put you through that. I’m very sorry.
Oh, Melissa, I am so sorry! I can totally understand what you’re saying about not being able to fully trust him now. I’ve dealt with similar situations for the last 2 years, and it totally sucks! Feel free to email me anytime if you wanna talk or vent, k? I know how much it can help to have someone to talk to! Lots of BIG hugs!!
Oh, honey. I am so sorry he’s taken away the trust. It’s so easy to destroy & hard to repair. At least he is trying to own up. But, you have every right to be pissed.
See, all this stress has you not even realizing that you’ve moved to Australia. I’d kick his butt– a dozen different ways– you don’t start up an old relationship without asking for trouble. Bad bad idea. But you know that already– I guess I’m just agreeing with you. And telling you I’m here. C’mon over….
I am so, so, so sorry about this. I feel your pain with you. Right here. Right now. When trust is violated it is so hard to bounce back. Take your time. Take care of you.
Damn Facebook, MySpace, social networks, technology, ex-girlfriends . . .
I would share my Swedish Fish with you . . . heck, I’d buy you a bag. And that is saying an awful lot. Lots of love your way . . .
I am feeling for you girl. You are certainly not alone! There are a lot of people who have had to deal with these trust issues. Men are really pigs at times and sadly, that’s how you have to think of them when they do something this stupid. He sounds like he is very much in love with YOU though so just keep having him prove it to you!